Page Three Girl gives punters run for their money

Mary Hannigan TV ViewFor a while there on Saturday evening it was looking like a euro accumulator on Page Three Girl, Pei-wei Chang and Todd Hamilton would yield enough booty to leave daring punters as flush as your average sultan from Brunei.

It wasn't to be, the dream dying at Shelbourne Park in the Irish Oaks final, before Pei-wei and Todd's staying power could even be tested the next day - but only after Page Three Girl had defied her doubters and given her backers a generous run for their money.

When Ger Canning asked bookie Ian Fortune for his view of PTG's chances in the big race, in light of her odds of 33 to 1, he, in as civil a manner as he could muster, insinuated that anyone who would back her wouldn't know a greyhound from a miniature poodle.

Those of us who had fluttered on PTG were affronted by this implication, our upset shared by our twin miniature poodles, Mick the Miller and Ballyregan Bob. But Ian, in fairness, attempted to make amends by noting that PTG "mightn't quite have the class or the speed, but I tell you something: she's a decent little bitch".

Greyhound buffs will tell you that one of the "greatest bitches of all time" was Dolores Rocket, who at least had a proper name for a speedy four-legged woman. What kind of name is Page Three Girl for any self-respecting she-dog? PTG, though, very nearly left those who reckoned she was all front and no substance eating their words, whooshing out of trap four, with only Legal Moment whooshing more speedily (apologies for the over-technical greyhoundy terms).

But once Legal Moment hit the front there was no stopping her, PTG's hopes of a sensational victory bust, but she managed to hold off 16 rival legs to take second.

Regrettably, she was less than gracious in defeat, attempting to bite the face off Legal Moment as they battled for the first bite of the mechanical rabbit. Legal Moment won that battle too.

"Um," said Tracey Piggott, "I noticed that Legal Moment only has one ear."

"She does, yeah," said owner Ann Buckley. "The mother was licking her too hard, it just fell off," she explained.

Legal Moment, then, heard only one half of Shelbourne Park applaud her success, unlike Ouija Board, another female four-legged speed merchant, who heard the ovation from every corner of the Curragh when she ambled to victory in the horsey Irish Oaks.

It was, appropriately, Ladies' Day at the Curragh, and RTÉ commentator Robert Hall showed himself to be something of a style guru by offering this analysis: "Um, nice hats".

Ted Walsh was less adventurous, restricting himself to scrutinising the four-legged ladies. "There's not a sign of sweat or anxiety anywhere in her," he swooned as Ouija Board completed her pre-race warm-up. "She's not jiggy-jogging, her eyes aren't popping out of her head, there's no sweat between her legs, she's absolutely as you'd like a filly to be, isn't she?"

Cripes, whatever you say Ted.

Ouija Board promptly jiggy-joggied her way to victory, perspiration-free, much as Alex Pagulayan did in the, well, let's leave it to Sky Sports' presenter Dave Clark: "An epic adventure is about to unfold, the final of the 2004 Taiwan World Pool Championships". Fasten your seatbelts lads.

Pagulayan's opponent in the final, Taiwan's Chang, had, Dave told us, "stunned the world of pool" when he beat American Johnny Archer in the quarter-finals, while Pagulayan, last year's beaten finalist, had accounted for Fong-pang Chao and Po-cheng Kuo. But you knew that already.

"You've got a man with experience playing a man who's a surprise package," explained Jim Wych, Sky's reporter in Taipei, "and there's an old saying: when a man with experience plays a man with cash, the man who had the cash gets the experience and the man with the experience gets the cash. We're going to see if that holds true today."

In the end the man with experience beat the man with no experience, his experience helping him win the cash from the inexperienced man with cash but no experience who ended up with no cash but with experience. Yup, Pagulayan won 17-13, sinking copious balls in to pockets wider than the Gap of Dunloe.

As for Todd Hamilton? When a man with experience (Ernie Els) plays a man with cash (Ernie Els) the man who had the cash (Ernie Els) gets the experience (Ernie Els). Just to prove Jim Wych's old saying means divil a bit: Todd Hamilton, 2004 British Open champion.