Past its sell-by dateOn the off chance that you're still looking for a football-related Christmas present, and wouldn't say no to a bargain, we're guessing the T-shirt below will soon be reduced in Manchester United's website shop. Their ad for it, by the way, says, "United . . . at the heart of the Champions League." Shut it.
Travel plans on hold
While we're on the subject of United's website: on Thursday we saw a rather forlorn ad looking at us on the main page. "European Travel . . . 2005/2006 Champions League Fixtures . . . Sorry no fixtures are available to book at this time." By Friday the ad, a bit like United's Europeans aspirations, had vanished.
Quotes of the week
"Gary Neville said 'we weren't good enough' - no shit Sherlock."
- Red Issue (the Manchester United website/fanzine) on Neville's verdict on United's Champions League campaign.
"It was the perfect penalty - apart from the fact that he missed it."
- Sky Sports' Rob McCaffrey after Thierry Henry sent his penalty flawlessly wide against Ajax.
"Bolton's plan is to put Arsenal on the back foot in the air."
- The incomparable Garth Crooks, as heard by a befuddled Private Eye reader.
"He's got the smoothest, peachiest bum ever. The shape is gorgeous."
- Sheree Murphy, revealing yet more about her beloved (Harry Kewell) on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
"Just like 17 per cent of us have ginger hair a lot of us (Scots) are small. You could build up a hugely talented Celtic side and Snow White would have to lead them out because there are so many small people here."
- Gordon Strachan, whose players, by the sounds of it, leave the dressingroom to the strains of "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go".
Hughes lacking with Verity
It seemed a sad tale at the time. Ace striker Matthew Hughes, who played for crack Welsh League outfit Pontlottyn Blast Furnace, injured a knee in a run-in with a pothole. He sued the council for £10,000, claiming he had been unable to play for 18 months, a claim backed up by some of his pals, among them Jamie Verity. Note that surname.
The council's investigation yielded a match report from the Rhymney Valley Express, which mentioned that not only did Hughes score one and make another goal against Troedyrhiw but "his strong running caused problems for the visitors". And, eh, when was this match played? Two hours after the accident.
As luck would have it a team photo, taken just before the game, showed Hughes kneeling on the injured knee and - are you ready for this? - the match report was accompanied by another photo that showed him sliding on his knees to celebrate the goal.
Just to complete their investigation the council got hold of Pontlottyn team-sheets and discovered Hughes had, in fact, played regularly for the team in the period he said he was out injured. Hughes promptly dropped the claim but he and two friends, including that Verity chap, were charged with contempt of court.
"You said you didn't play between September 2001 and March 2003. Is that a lie?" he was asked by the prosecution last week.
"I wouldn't call it a lie," said Hughes, "it was something in my statement I did not put down correctly." Verdict? Guilty.
Hughes was sentenced to two weeks in jail and the entire process has cost him £33,000. Gutted.
More quotes of the week
"If I walked backwards down a side-street I would always have a profile."
- Alex Ferguson. You'd probably be arrested too, Alex.
"I want to see a team that plays for everything. I expect to see players eat the grass."
- Udinese president Giampaolo Pozzo after his team grazed to a 2-0 defeat to Barcelona and Champions League elimination.
"I haven't murdered anyone, I haven't raped anyone - this is just football."
- Harry Redknapp insisting returning to Portsmouth is only a minor crime.
"We had a stinking dressingroom when I arrived."
- Graeme Souness on how the odour at St James Park improved once Craig Bellamy and Laurent Robert departed.
"I don't want to sit in a bus for six hours to play a reserve match. Those games are for players who have something to prove."
- Stephan Anderson, Charlton's third-choice goalkeeper. Are we detecting an attitude problem here?
An udder way to celebrate
Hats off to little Rocha - the club with a 7,000-capacity stadium and a monthly wage bill of €13,000 - who became the first team from outside Montevideo to win the Uruguayan title since the championship began in 1932. Naturally enough they celebrated by leading a cow around the pitch during their lap of honour, like you do - milking the applause.
Quotes of the week ll
"Do you want me to cry because Rupert Lowe (Southampton chairman) is unhappy? There are a lot of reasons why I should be unhappy. I was on the phone to him trying to sort out a deal while he was out shooting ducks."
- Portsmouth chairman Milan Mandaric.
"They'll have a few players from the lower leagues in England playing for them and will want to make a name for themselves. It will be like an FA Cup tie against the minnows."
- Rio Ferdinand in no way condescending in his preview of England's World Cup game against Trinidad and Tobago.
"I think he talks a lot."
- Rafa Benitez praises Jose Mourinho.
"I remember playing alongside Bryan (Robson) for 10 years and he was always on at me to put the winger in the stand like Ben did. It is interesting to see how his opinions have changed. I guess that kind of thing happens when you are in management."
- Stuart Pearce after Robson complained about rough stuff from Manchester City full back Ben Thatcher.
Red-hot bargain - or not
Liverpool and Uefa are looking into the sale on eBay of "a genuine Champions League winner's medal from Istanbul 2005", as the seller claimed, and will attempt to find out if it's a fake - or, if not, which Liverpool player sold it. We'd imagine the eejit - sorry - man from Hong Kong, who paid £1,500 for it, will be interested in their findings.
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