Dial-A-Smile's numbers come up trumps

OVER THE years, the lads in Foley’s had a flutter on just about everything; from predicting the cut at Augusta, to the number of finishers in the Grand National; to the winning margin in the All-Ireland finals.

The stakes weren’t that high but whenever the six middle-aged men met, which was far too often as far as their families and finances were concerned, there was invariably something at stake.

There had to be a winner, whose reward for bragging rights was, as had become custom, to put the winnings behind the bar for a round of Foley’s finest.

Glory was fleeting, almost transient, but for those brief seconds the feeling was intoxicating. As Cody Jarrett proclaimed in White Heat. “Made it, Ma. Top of the world.”

Vinny Fitzpatrick had a better record than most in these punting parlour games, even when there was no sporting logic involved, like last Sunday morning, for example.

It was not long after 11 bells when the six friends, converging on Clontarf from various directions, tapped on the window of Foley’s public house on the seafront.

Drinking before hours wasn’t a regular habit for the lads but as they strolled down the back nine of life, they felt emboldened to stretch their wings now and then.

In Vinny’s case, the sense of the outrageous would only last a couple of hours time as his standing at home was lower than a serpent’s belly.

After breaking a curfew and getting ossified the previous weekend, he had rolled home to find a duvet in the hall: the message from Angie was clear; shape up or risk the consequences.

Vinny knew he couldn’t afford any more slip-ups. If he wasn’t back home by half one this Sunday, his wife would have his ample guts for garters.

The plan, hatched the night before over a feed of pints, was to catch the draw live for the 2012 European Championships from Warsaw, and have a sweep on what teams the Republic of Ireland might get, while watching it unfold.

The only drawback was the timing of the draw, at half eleven, which was 30 minutes before opening hours of a Sunday.

Still, the six friends had an unlikely ally in their scheme, Foley’s long-standing barman, Dial-A-Smile had agreed to allow the lads in before hours, on the condition they could have only one pint before noon.

There was another stipulation: he wanted in on the sweep for the draw.

It wasn’t the first time the po-faced bar worker had expressed an interest in the goings-on of the lads and Vinny wondered if, after all these years, he had misjudged the man.

Their tap on the window was followed by the sound of a bolt being slid back, the rattle of keys. The door opened and Dial-A-Smile’s egg-shaped head appeared.

“You lot are early,” he rasped before beckoning them in, glancing furtively left and right along Clontarf Road as he did so.

Inside, the lounge had been cleared of the previous night’s debris and the lads moved instinctively to their pitch near the telly.

Vinny recognised Oleg Blokhin and Ziggy Boniek on the screen from Warsaw and sensed it was time to get a wriggle on. As was the norm, he was the event overseer.

“Right lads, it’s a fiver a corner, all in. Here’s how it goes. You get a point for each correct team in Ireland’s group, and a bonus point if you get the sixth team right as some groups only have five teams.

“Also, we can all pick one team as the nap and if it comes up, it’s worth three points. We’ve about five minutes so I’ll start with everyone’s top seed. Macker you first.” Macker didn’t hesitate. ‘Spain,’ he said. Fran followed suit. ‘Portugal.’ Brennie went for the Netherlands, Shanghai for England, Kojak for Croatia and Dial-A-Smile for France.

Vinny also nominated England, basing his selection on the fact it was 20 years since the teams were last drawn together. “Right we reverse the running order for the second seeds. I’ll go first this time. Romania,” he said.

It only took a couple of minutes to complete all the selections, including the naps. “This will sort out the also-rans,” predicted Fran.

The naps were: Vinny – Slovenia; Macker – Sweden; Fran – Switzerland; Brennie – Serbia; Shanghai – Iceland; Kojak – Moldova; Dial-A-Smile – Armenia.

With seven fivers in an empty pint glass, and six full pints arriving on cue from Dial-A-Smile, it was time for the action to unfold.

By Vinny’s reckoning, the winner would be the one whose nap came up as he couldn’t see anyone getting more than three points.

For the purpose of the bet, there were 42 teams in the draw as none of the nine third-seed teams counted and Vinny reckoned the odds against guessing a team in Ireland’s group was around 9 to 1 as there was a chance of Ireland facing only four opponents.

By the time it came to drawing out the third seeds, which included Ireland, there were some grim groups unfolding.

“Group A is a shocker with Kazakhstan and Azerbaijan. You don’t want to be going there,” said Fran. “Belarus and Albania aren’t exactly holiday destinations in Group D, either,” noted Macker.

It didn’t take long for Ireland’s fate to be known as a jowled Andrzej Szarmach, the former Polish striker, placed Trap’s terriers in Group B.

“Oh no,” wailed Brennie. “Macedonia and Armenia. What did we do to deserve that?” There was a stony silence, broken suddenly by a loud “yes” from behind the bar. It was Dial-A-Smile. “Armenia. Ye boy ye. Put your ace of hearts on that,” he said triumphantly.

Vinny looked down at his sweep list. Dial-A-Smile had three points in the bag and could only be pegged back if one of the other nap selections came up trumps. Not surprisingly, they didn’t.

“Winner all right, Dial-A-Smile,” he intoned gravely. Counting out the €35, he approached the barman, who was smirking from ear to ear.

“I take it, you’ll share your winnings in the form of a round,” said Vinny.

Seizing the cash, Dial-A-Smile sneered. “Not so fast, Vinny. After letting youse in early and giving youse a pint, I think I’m entitled to compensation for my troubles. This pot is staying put in my pocket. Cheers.”

Bets of the Week

5ptsRepublic of Ireland to qualify for Euro 2012 (13/8, Bluesquare)

2ptsCeltic to draw with Hearts in SPL (4/1, Totesport)

Vinny's Bismarck

2ptsLay France to beat Ireland in Six Nations (1/2, general, liability 3pts)