Curtis' cup means no major Masters windfall

As the Golf Masters Tour Commissioner departed for a fortnight's holiday last week, she left us grafters in the office under no illusions. "This competition could do with a bit of a shake up. Those guys, Mullarkey and Gorman, have been in the top two spots for ages.

Now it's a major this week. You know what that means, double prize money. Things are bound to change at the top. Do a decent write up and I'll see you when I get back."

The commissioner tends to be fairly secretive about her holidays but we know she's off on some remote island. We also know when a player who isn't on our roster wins one of our counting tournaments her mood darkens - considerably. If you ever find yourself in the Golf Masters office of a Sunday night and word comes through that a relative unknown has won the St Jude Classic, you are advised to hide behind the photocopier to avoid the commissioner's flying tea cup.

So when a text message arrived last Sunday afternoon asking who was leading the British Open, we confidently replied "Bjorn" and settled down for a great afternoon's viewing. With Davis Love, Tiger Woods, Vijay Singh and Kenny Perry snapping at the heels of the Great Dane it seemed not much could go wrong.

Suffice to say what transpired made for a most uncomfortable few hours and when the next text arrived asking who had won, it was all we could do to reply "Curtis". At a remove of several thousand miles we were safe from the tea cup treatment but Monday morning's phone call was not pleasant (Why can't bosses on holiday just stay on holiday?).

Smooth and sophisticated when wooing tournament sponsors, the commissioner can really growl when in the mood. She can also jump to conclusions. "Curtis? Curtis Strange? Listen, you idiot, he hasn't had one of our cards for years. And unlike you, you waste of space, I know the only other Curtis in golf is that guy who has one win on the Hooters Tour a couple of years ago. Ben Curtis, that's him. Went to the American Tour school last year and will be back there this year as well. You'll tell me next that Mullarkey and Gorman are still one and two on the leaderboard. Now tell me who won the British Open, update the leaderboard and stop messing about."

It felt a bit like telling a child that Santa Claus wouldn't be coming at Christmas but we had to confirm, timidly if with a certain hidden satisfaction, that Ben Curtis, so readily dismissed by the commissioner when finalising the roster last February was indeed the new British Open champion. The major winner's cheque for €200,000 would be remaining in the Golf Masters safe. And the commissioner would have egg all over her pretty little face when she next went hob-nobbing with the "blazers" at Augusta or St Andrews or wherever she was taking her next junket. Shame.

She had hung up before we could confirm Messrs Mullarkey and Gorman continued to lead the chase for our top prize of a trip to Sandy Lane, Barbados, with €5,000 spending money. However, the pack is closing. Finbar Lyons's "Fair Play 1" maintained their upward progression to number five and Michael Keegan's "Arctic Coppers" ranked ninth on the week to rise from 63rd to ninth overall.