The floodgates opened on Wednesday morning.
Water, water everywhere and hardly a drop to drink (because nearly all of it was murky and brown and hardly worth talking about unless you are the minister with responsibility for putting a sudsy spin on the scum).
Frustration flowed freely as Opposition TDs fumed about the state of water services around their constituencies, describing ongoing problems faced by households and communities trying to deal with leaks, sewage contamination, rolling shortages or no water at all.
They told how much-needed housing developments are stalled because there is no water supply for the new homes and no information forthcoming on when it will be provided.
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At least the deputies had somebody listening to their complaints, even if it was only Minister of State John Cummins.
It was a lot more than they usually get from Uisce Éireann (Irish Water), apparently.
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The Dáil is no stranger to stories about the water torture faced by people.
Independent Ireland leader Michael Collins introduced a Bill that would compel the national utility to introduce transparent repair schedules with enforceable timelines for completion. The motion also called for mandatory community engagement and performance-linked funding.
James Browne, the Minister for Housing, came into the chamber to introduce the Government’s amendment to the Bill – a sort of Browne-water cordial, diluting its recommendations to a stagnant blend of Civil Service blancmange about the “Government’s vision for water services as set out in the Water Services Policy Statement 2024 to 2030 (February 2024)”.
But it was good to hear James read aloud about “the Government’s Water Sector Transformation Policy Paper (February 2021)” because it “further sets the vision for water services based on the full integration of water services provided by 31 local authorities into one national authority”.
No. It’s all good, and “the objective is to deliver a world-class public water service authority that meets customer needs, operates in line with best practice, represents value for money, and facilitates economic development in urban and rural locations”.
The Opposition’s objection was that the “objective” is just that and their constituents’ experiences bear this out.
Kerry’s Danny Healy-Rae highlighted how two planning applications for housing in the village of Kenmare are in danger of lapsing because Uisce Éireann hasn’t provided a letter saying there will be water to supply them.
“For 170 houses, and no house built in Kenmare for over 20 years,” he told Cummins, sitting in for his senior Minister who skedaddled as soon as he delivered his speech.
Danny was puzzled.
“Look, Minister, Kenmare is surrounded by mountains and lakes.
“They’re actually drowned with water.
“Surrounded by water.
“We have way more water than any other part of Ireland. We just can’t get it into a pump.
“And they’re talking about taking water from the river Shannon and bringing it to Dublin. At the way we’re going in Kenmare anyway, it will take 250 years before the people in Dublin will see one drop of water out of the Shannon unless they drive down and take a bucket of water out of it themselves.”
Then there are the difficulties faced by public representatives trying to find out when repairs will be carried out or promised infrastructural projects will commence or when there might be a possibility of swimming in the local beauty spot without competing for space with floating turds.
Their constituents come to them when they can’t get answers, in some cases after years of asking.
In his speech before he scarpered, James Browne-Water said he is “well aware” of the concerns about Uisce Éireann failing to communicate adequately with the public and elected representatives.
In fact, he raised this last year when he met its chairman. “I have received assurances that it is a priority for the company.”
Then he read out the many, many ways in which the company maintains “constant contact” with “a diverse and large group of customers, communities and stakeholders through multiple channels daily”. He listed some of them.
There are even “annual in-person councillor workshops” and “a dedicated service for elected representatives”.
More than 100,000 queries received over the past 10 years from more than 1,100 elected representatives, according to the Minister’s script.
That’s amazing.
“However, I accept that communications by Uisce Éireann need to be improved significantly.”
Oh.
Here’s Sinn Féin’s Pádraig Mac Lochlainn – no slouch when it comes to making representations for his Donegal constituents.
“I can’t get speaking to a damn human being.”
What did Labour’s Alan Kelly have to say? He was once minister for the environment when his party was in coalition with Fine Gael.
Alan said it doesn’t matter how many billions the Government is spending to get water for all the houses needed to reverse the housing crisis.
It should have been allocated years ago.
“It’s over for you and the senior Minister,” he told Cummins. “It’d be great for a government in two terms’ time, but it’s over for you guys because the lead time is five to seven years.”
And on that cheery note, he offered his own words in support of himself.
“I refer to what I predicted on the 27th of April, 2012, in this very house. I’d encourage you to go back and look at the speech.
“It still stands. All the investment you like now isn’t going to do catch up.”
So we looked it up.
Had to do something to fill the excruciating time between Aontú leader Peadar Tóibín’s tantalising lunchtime bombshell on social media: “We will be announcing exciting Aontú news tonight. Watch this space ...” and the expected revelation sometime after 6pm.
It was either that or run out and buy a new hat.
There was much speculation about a high profile defection to Aontú. Somebody from his former party, Sinn Féin, perhaps? Revenge best eaten with a long spoon, and all that.
As it turned out, it took us a long time to find Alan’s Dáil speech, the one he says he delivered on April 27th, 2012.
He, for one, will never forget it.
Thanks to Deputy Kelly, we stopped wondering about Peadar’s bombshell (people all over the country were gathering around their wirelesses by teatime). Because, try as we might, we couldn’t find the speech.
By the time we managed to track it down to the year 2016, the word was that Independent Cork County Councillor, Peter O’Donoghue, had joined Áontú.
Peadar needs to get out a bit more if he thinks that’s exciting.
In the course of the debate, Collins made two impassioned speeches about his water Bill which the Government would shortly drown like a sack of pups.
“All we want is communication and accountability” he cried.
What about the towns and villages in west Cork where they are talking about bringing in water from elsewhere? Where people can’t build houses because there is no water to service them?
How can his local Independent Ireland councillor tell the people of Rosscarbery that it will be fine when they are swimming again next summer if they end up be “drinking a bit of raw sewage?”
Micheal was so annoyed he got a little carried away. There was some cussin’.
The people of Dunmanway have been promised “a bit of an auld kiss the ass job now”, harrumphed Deputy Collins, quite forgetting himself and where he was: in the national parliament before the fragrant Ceann Comhairle, Verona Murphy.
He quickly apologised.
“Excuse me, Ceann Comhairle, er, with ladies present.”
