From this week, foreigners applying to become British citizens have to sit an exam involving multiple-choice questions to prove their Britishness. Frank McNally proposes a similar test for those seeking naturalisation here
If you're Irish, what should you come into?
1. The parlour
2. The sitting room
3. The kitchen
Apart from her beauty, what exactly was it that made me love Mary, the Rose of Tralee?
1. The fact that she had money
2. The shotgun her father was holding at my back
3. The truth in her eyes ever dawning
At its very height, what was the craic in the Isle of Man measured at?
1. 74
2. 106.3
3. 90
Which cross symbolises Ireland?
1. Hackballscross
2. Crossmolina
3. St Patrick's Cross
How much is a one-and-one?
1. A two
2. About 6.80
You are making a 90 degree turn on an Irish road. In which circumstances are you excused from using your indicator?
1. If you are a member of the Free Presbyterian Church
2. If it would involve putting down your mobile phone
3. If the turn is a bend, and you are not leaving the main road
According to Irish etiquette, what must you always, always, say to a bereaved person?
1. You have my deepest sympathies
2. It's a far better place he's gone to, Missus
3. I'm sorry for your troubles
What, in the view of many Irish people, did Charles Stewart Parnell die of?
1. Rheumatic fever
2. A broken heart
3. Neither. He died of a Tuesday
What do you understand the word "bothar", pronounced "bo-her", to mean?
1. A road
2. (In parts of Offaly) a dairy product used on bread
3. Both of the above
You have reason to believe your next door neighbour is in danger of losing the run of himself. What should you do?
1. Dial 999 and ask them to send an ambulance quick
2. Call the confidential Garda line
3. Complain behind his back, and remind everyone that you knew him when he didn't have an arse in his trousers
The ancient pilgrimage site in Co Donegal, long synonymous with suffering in the cause of spiritual growth, is called what?
1. Bundoran
2. Daniel O'Donnell's house
3. Lough Derg
What is or was the Pioneer Movement?
1. A group of intrepid settlers who left the eastern states of America and travelled west, battling rugged terrain, disease, fierce winters and often hostile Indian tribes, in desperate search of land and a better life
2. An organisation trying to get Irish people to stop drinking
Which of the following is not a traditional Irish music instrument, and should on no account be produced in a session?
1. The fiddle
2. The flute
3. The Peruvian pan pipes
Ethereal beings whose high-pitched wails are traditionally said to presage death in Ireland are called what?
1. Leprechauns
2. Banshees
3. The Corr sisters
The English soccer team is playing a meaningless friendly against a combined rogue-nation team comprising selections from Zimbabwe, North Korea and a Taliban-controlled province of Afghanistan. Who would you cheer for?
1. That's a tough one
2. It's a meaningless friendly, right?
3. Sure I suppose you'd have to cheer for the underdogs - whichever they were.
What is or was the "800 Years of Oppression"?
1. One of a trio of 1970s concept albums by Horslips
2. A slip-jig popular in east Co Clare
3. The period of English rule in Ireland
The second World War was known here by which euphemism?
1. The spot of bother in France
2. That unpleasantness with the Germans
3. The emergency
To how many cheers is the defeated team in an All-Ireland final entitled?
1. Three exactly
2. Seven or eight
3. It depends
Frank McNally's The Xenophobe's Guide to the Irish is available from Oval Books, €4.99