BRIGHT lights, flashy graphics, a superficial contest in which only the blandest survive yes.
The British election finally finishes next week. But just one day later, it's time for a contest that really means something placing us all at the seedy sequinned heart of Europe. What more can be said about Eurovision that hasn't been said before? Even in RTE, one feels, enthusiasm is wearing very thin for the annual shindig, taking place here yet again next Saturday (for the fourth time in five years, as it happens).
This year, according to the station, there's a revamp of the overall concept. "Moving from Celtic mists and nostalgia, it showcases a dynamic, forward looking Ireland blending hightech communications with the best of popular culture"
So no bodhrans or traditional dancers will sully the stage at the Point next Saturday evening. Instead, the themes are youth, culture, technology and communications - "in a hot contemporary mix that will bring the contest to new places and broaden its appeal to European youth", says the breathless blurb. Out with the Riverdancing and in with Boyzone, who will premiere a new song written for the occasion as the centrepiece of a dance and music extravaganza during the interval.
What all this means, as far as one can make out (there's a press embargo on the set until next week) is that this year's production will feature "colourful, stylish, cyberpunk graphics", which sounds interesting in a 1980s kind of a way. The theme is continued in the "postcards", those little inserts in which contestants are seen sipping the local hooch, gazing wistfully at old buildings, or being pressed into recreational or sporting activities. These items are always deemed to provide a huge boost to the local tourist industry, and this year's snippets will be "contemporary, in contrast to the Celtic mood of previous contests (they're really down on the Celtic thing this year). Highspeed ferries, cybercafes and Dublin pub culture are among the subjects.
For the first time, this year's contest sees televoting introduced in some participating countries. The usual national juries will be replaced by a system whereby viewers have a direct say in who wins the contest through direct voting by telephone. Britain, Germany, Austria, Sweden and Switzerland have opted for this system, in which a telephone number will appear on television screens as each song is performed. The song which receives the most calls will be awarded douze points, the next dix points, and so on in the usual fashion.
In all, about 300 staff will have worked on the show at some point by the time the winners belt out their offering for the second time next Saturday night. The budget for the competition is a whopping £2.3 million, which is a substantial slice out of RTE's annual budget. Some of the costs are offset by sponsorship and contributions from the European Broadcasting Union, but it's still an awful lot of episodes of Upwardly Mobile.
"Were you from the streets of Paris/the coast of Italy/ or were you from as far away/ as the Gulf of Araby?" sings our man with the big hair Marc Roberts in this year's Irish entry, Mysterious Woman. Songwriter John Farry may be pushing it a bit with Araby, but he only has himself to blame what rhymes with Italy, apart from grittily, wittily and one other word?
As a rule, it's usually better not to be able to understand the lyrics of the competing songs. Is it just coincidence that Slovenia and Croatia's songs are called (respectively) Waken Now and Wake Me Up, or is there some kind of Balkan conspiracy at work? The Swedish song, Bara Hon Alskar Mej, translates as the comfortingly familiar, Meatloafish Baby, I'll Die for You, which comes as a relief after previous winning titles such as Ding Dinge Dong (Netherlands, 1975) and Diggi-loo, Diggi-ley (Sweden, 1984).
And what of the UK? Europe's pop superpower has always punched well below its weight in the competition. This year's British entry is from Katrina and the Waves, of Walking On Sunshine fame. It's a great idea to recycle the country's one hit wonders for Eurovision maybe next year we could have Jilted John or ....
The annals of Eurovision relate that Finland has finished last more often than any other nation (eight times). The Finns won't be adding to that proud tally this time around, having failed to make it into the contest proper, but a hot tip for this year's booby prize is the Netherlands, with a dirge like ditty called No one Has Time Anymore, performed by a five piece called Mrs Einstein, who might best be described as Old Spice Girls. In a field distinguished as always by its mediocrity, it's always a joy to come across the truly awful.
