Taking the biscuit

TheLastStraw: There was a sad inevitability about this week's news that the Cookie Monster has been forced to cut down on biscuits.

After 36 years of excess, the Sesame Street star is the latest conscript in the campaign to get US children eating sensibly; and it's not only his diet that's changing. His famous anthem, "C is for Cookie", is dropping off the playlist, in favour of a new song that relocates biscuits to the narrow end of the food pyramid.

The message from now on is that C is for "childhood obesity". C is also for "calorie-controlled diet". While we're at it, C is for "Clinton, Hilary", who, along with singer Alicia Keys, is appearing in the latest Sesame Street series, to promote healthy eating and exercise. And in case kids somehow still miss the point, the show's regular puppets are to be joined by talking aubergines and carrots. Today's show is brought to you by the letters F, A, and T, and by the number 33, which is the percentage of viewers falling into the aforementioned category.

There has been no response yet from the powerful US cookie lobby. But many freedom-loving Americans will be outraged at Sesame Street's latest twist. For some, the new programmes will look like terrorist kidnap videos, in which the Cookie Monster reads propaganda statements, his trademark rasping voice sounding unusually stilted. "Me eat less cookies," he will say, looking nervously at the cameras, as Hilary and Alicia stand guard on either side of him, brandishing aubergines. "Me appeal to Americans to eat less cookies too." Maybe Hilary and Alicia will then hand him over to an even more fanatic language faction, who will force him to clean up his grammar and deliver a correct version of the statement (which would of course read: "Me eat fewer cookies.") The healthy eating theme is not new in Muppet Town. If you've ever been trapped in a car with the Sesame Street greatest hits collection, you'll be familiar with the mission of Captain Vegetable, a superhero who uses carrots and celery to solve the world's problems. Chances are, you've managed somehow to forget his militaristic theme song. And I really shouldn't remind you of the lines: "They're good for you, so eat them too/For teeth so strong, your whole life long/Eat celery and carrots by the bunch/Three cheers for me, Captain Vegetable/Crunch, crunch, crunch!" Because now you'll be singing it for the rest of the day. I'm really sorry about that.

Politicians are not new to Sesame Street either. A couple of years ago, Kofi Annan was a special guest, presumably to counteract fears that American children were not getting enough of the UN in their daily diets. He intervened in a row between Elmo and his friends over who would get to perform the Alphabet Song, proposing a resolution that they share the singing role, which was passed unanimously.

In real life, of course, China would have vetoed it, Jacques Chirac would have tabled an alternative proposal requiring that the song be in French, and Kofi's son would have sneaked off and recorded his own version, on the UN label, and made a big profit. Meanwhile, the White House would have threatened to bring democracy to Sesame Street if Elmo and the gang didn't start singing in harmony, and quick.

Poor old Cookie Monster. Like the programme itself, he began life in 1969. And, in some ways, he's a creature of that hedonistic era, when people indulged in sex, drugs, and unlimited sugar intake, with no thought for tomorrow. "Live hard, die young, and leave crumbs all over the place" was his philosophy. Now he's like one of those rock stars doomed to have grown old and sensible.

But, however much we resent it, it's not unreasonable for a children's educational programme to adapt much-loved characters to a changing curriculum. Come to think of it, other programmes could benefit from education-inspired character developments.

Barney, for example; I'm sure many parents would like to see the fun-loving dinosaur illustrate the correct use of a toothbrush by, say, fatally swallowing one.

Still, it'll be a sad day for Sesame Street - and it's surely not far off - when Oscar the Grouch is forced to rethink his approach to living in a rubbish bin and singing "I Love Trash". The new version of the song will be "I love (to reduce, reuse, and recycle) Trash", which he will perform from his home in a compost heap.

Meanwhile, no other Street character will now be safe from the exigencies of time. In the event of the threatened avian flu pandemic ever coming to pass, I fear for Big Bird.