Michael Winner's memorable quotes


The late director and critic Michael Winner was known for some forthright comments. Here is a look back at some of his more memorable quotes:

“Calm down, it’s only a commercial.” — This catchphrase was uttered by Winner for an Esure commercial which was loved and loathed in equal measure.

“If Labour can’t realise when something is a bit of fun, they really should pack up and go home. To call someone ‘dear’ is not sexist unless to politically correct lunatics.” — Winner’s verdict after Prime Minister David Cameron said “calm down, dear” to Labour MP Angela Eagle.

“Ideally, the average woman needs 25 hours attention a day and if she could get a bit more she’d try for that.” : The ladies’ man was not afraid to air his views on relationships.

“Men are ridiculous. Women are far better people. Much wiser (not difficult) and with a temperament to deal with life’s complexities and men’s abrasiveness. They’re also far better at washing socks and darning.” — Winner saying that women should rule the world.

“It’s 50 years since I met the lady. You could say this is the longest courtship in the history of the world.”: Winner on his wife, Geraldine Lynton-Edwards.

“I’ve had 130 lovers so I’ve had a good run. Geraldine makes up for all of them.”: Winner finally married in 2011.

“I always laughed ladies into bed. If you are entertaining, they like you.”:Winner writing his own mock obituary.

“Children should not be allowed to go on holiday. They scream, they shout, they yell. All children should be locked up until the age of 10 and only selected ones should be let out when they are 10.” — Winner’s views on children.

“Cooking is not a speciality act. It does not require four men juggling lavatories or a set of trapeze artists” : The restaurant critic targeted chefs “flouncing about on television”.

“Since the plate decorators and poncified chefs took over, food has not improved at all. It has become pretentious. It has become mini-portions, whose descriptions on the menu take longer to read than the food takes to eat.” : Winner had no truck with pretentious food.

“The best thing you could say about this restaurant is that you could hear yourself talk” : The verdict of one less-than-appetising meal.

“I’ve just learnt my April 1 Oxford Literary Festival bash is in a marquee in one of the fantastic colleges. Me in a tent? Must be joking! Last time I was in a tent I was at school, set the effing thing on fire. Was never asked again. I do not do tents, thank you.” : Winner was not a happy camper when he learned the venue for a 2012 event, making his feelings known on Twitter.

“There was no one I knew there. For the 100th birthday party I was expecting royalty, movie stars and major TV people. I did see Gloria Hunniford in the corridor, bless her.”:He was equally unimpressed by the turnout for London’s Ritz Hotel’s centenary bash.

“The only way to hold a decent dinner party in Hollywood now is to have a seance” : Winner complaining that all his favourite fellow diners are now dead.

“A little vulgarity is a thoroughly good thing.” :Winner said this after his Christmas card featured a photograph of him with the Queen one year.

“Personally, I do not require an honour to tell me I am a marvellous person.” On turning down the offer of an OBE.

“If you create this comedy character of wealth and opulence swanning around, people hate you. But the ones who hate me don’t get me at all. They don’t get the joke.” — Winner on himself.

“I do not lurk. I ponce about, cause trouble, bring light and happiness to the world and generally behave with impeccable (if misplaced) self-assurance.” — Winner gave this description in June last year.

“No one more beautiful than me” — The verdict Winner gave of a group photograph in which he featured.

“Other than being in intensive care, hospital, an asylum, and generally ill I’m having a great time, it should happen to you.” — One of Winner’s last Tweets, written in October 2012.

“People should have the right to terminate their own life. I am very happy to snuff it. I’ve had enough time on earth. I’d be happy if someone gave me the plug to pull.” — Winner said last October, just months before his death.