Q We bought our 17-year-old son a smartphone five months ago for his birthday. He had been pressing to get one for ages, "like all his friends", and we finally gave in. He was out the other day and had forgotten to take his phone with him, which is unusual as it is normally welded to him. I took the opportunity to look at it. I know I shouldn't have, but I was curious to see what he was up to on it.
Looking at his history and apps I discovered he was regularly accessing porn and adult sites. As his mother, I was a little shocked. I know that you should expect this from teenagers, but I didn’t like it at all, especially as some of the sites were vile and give a distorted view on sexuality.
I don’t know what to do. Should I raise it with him? I would feel embarrassed about this. How much of it is a problem? My husband thinks it is a case of “boys will be boys” but I am not so sure.
A Despite the clear communication and educational potential of the internet, a big side-effect has been the increased access to and usage of pornography. With the advent of smart phones, this access has increased further, meaning people can potentially be online 24 hours a day. There is evidence that teenagers are now accessing pornography at earlier ages, and more frequently, than with previous generations.
As a parent you are right to be worried about this trend. While there can be an attitude of bravado, that it is no harm and that “boys will be boys” (although girls are now also accessing similar sites), there is a genuine concern as to how this increased exposure will affect teenagers and their expectations of adult relationships.
As a society we are not sure what impact growing up in the age of the internet has, with young people spending increasing amounts of time online and with access to pornography and other explicit material always just a “click away”. Part of the problem is the potentially addictive nature both of spending time online and of viewing pornography, in particular, which can lead to some teenagers being isolated and suffering from poor self-esteem.
Given all these dangers, the question is, how can you respond to help your son? Whereas with children and younger teenagers you can adopt a strict vigilance stance and take steps such as supervising their usage, installing filtering on family PCs or restricting the internet on their phones, this is less appropriate with older teenagers who have a right to a degree of privacy and independence. In addition, it is hard to find software on PCs that block all inappropriate sites or software that a technology-savvy teenager can’t bypass if they want to.
The problem is even harder on smart phones. You can check history and supervise usage, but a teenager can easily hide what they are doing or view pornography elsewhere. With older teenagers, supervision can go only so far. What is more important is to try to talk through the issues with your teenagers and to encourage them to “self-regulate” their usage.
In the long term, you want them to make informed choices about what they view on the internet and to develop their own discipline about this.
Raising this conversation with a teenager is a delicate matter and it is important to pick a good time. Probably the best thing is to raise the issue directly and in a matter-of-fact way by explaining you came across the porn on his phone and you want to discuss with him whether it is appropriate. Be prepared for the fact that he is likely to initially get embarrassed or defensive about the subject, but take time to listen to what he thinks and feels about it. Try not to be too judgmental and acknowledge that it is normal to have a curiosity about viewing sexually explicit material.
Then explain your concerns about the material (for example, how it presents a distorted view of relationships). Given his age, it can work best if you state your opinion rather than categorical rules, such as “I’d prefer you not to look at this material on the internet” or “I hope you don’t think that this is how real relationships work” or “as a woman, I find this material offensive” and so on.
Although it is a delicate conversation, it could open a useful dialogue with your son and he may even take on board some of your concerns. You can consider setting some limits on the use of his phone (by turning off the wireless at night or blocking inappropriate sites, for example) but ideally you should aim to get him on board and agree to these as part of his self-discipline.
If possible, it is best if both you and his father talk to him about the issue and this is probably best done as two separate conversations. You can present your opinion as his mother and give the perspective of a woman, and his father can present the perspective of a man and empathetically understand what he is going through as a young man. If you feel uncomfortable about the conversation you could ask his father to start the conversation with him.
While for most teenagers viewing pornography is infrequent and not a problem, for some it is excessive and may be addictive. When you talk to your son, if you get a sense that it is a more significant problem for him, do seek help from addiction services who should be able to give you more specific advice.
Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and director of Parents Plus charity. Questions should be emailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com
