ASK THE EXPERT:Keeping their concentration
MY ELDEST son (eight and a half) has poor concentration. Discussions with his teachers over the past four years continually state this as a problem. I also find that concentration is a problem at home.
For example, asking him to get ready to go out (wash your teeth, get your bag and coat, etc) requires several reminders. I usually give him 10 or 15 minutes' notice (reminding him every five minutes that there is 10 minutes left, five minutes left) and still find at the last warning that he has everything to do.
He has a four-year old brother and a two-year old sister so I would be actively involved with getting the youngest ready particularly. I try to be calm and I have worked on developing a strong bond, eg reading to him exclusively and giving him what we call "time to ourselves" on a regular basis in the hope that he will respond to my requests better.
This has worked to some extent but his behaviour can still be very frustrating. He is a very polite and diplomatic child and efforts to explain the effect of his behaviour is very graciously received (yes mum, etc).
However, my husband believes that these daily monologues are like "white noise" and that my child just tunes out. We try to keep this in perspective but I must say, at times, I find the only thing that works is when I lose my temper and get really mad. He jumps to attention then.
After roaring at him, I feel great remorse because this is not how I want things to be in our family. I accept that a bit of this is okay but during the school year, when we are trying to get three children out the door and ourselves out to work, I am ready to burst with frustration. With September looming again have you any ideas on what we can do?
I FEEL I can almost perfectly visualise the scene you describe in the mornings as you try to get yourselves and three children ready to go out. It is eerily similar to our own experience with our three children. In many ways it sounds like the typical outcome of parents having divided responsibilities and not enough time to monitor and supervise everybody.
However, it sounds like you are saying that your eldest son seems to be in some way different to your other children. Given your description that his problems concentrating are replicated in school and at home, you may want to seek a professional assessment in relation to something like ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).
I'm not saying that your son has ADD (don't panic!!) but an assessment may give you and your family more information one way or another. Irrespective of whether his problems are explicable in terms of a label, you still need strategies to keep him focused at home.
It's useful, then, to think about whether in fact the difficulty is with concentration or with paying attention in the first place. For your son it may be more about the threshold that sounds must reach before they pierce his consciousness.
He is probably well able to concentrate on his reading or game-playing while you are talking to him and it is more likely that he is just not concentrating on (or attending to) you.
Lots of children fall into the habit of ignoring the first, second, third, fourth, fifth or even sixth attempts by their parents to get their attention. Your son probably knows that the point at which you enforce your demand or your request is when you are in front of him shouting.
At that stage he knows he has no choice but to do what you ask. Before that he may know that you don't really "mean it".
So you need to let him know that you mean business from the first time that you make a request. The only way to do that is to follow up your request with some kind of action, like physically leading him through the task you have asked him to do.
Similarly, it may be helpful for your son to know that there are consequences for him for not paying attention. Obviously, the most natural consequence for him would be that some day he would get taken to school without being properly dressed or properly prepared. He then has to deal with the consequences of that for the rest of the day.
So make sure you have your son's attention (getting him to look at you is usually a good indicator) and make your request clearly. Get him to repeat back what it is that he has to do. Then, leave him to do it and let him take the consequences of the task not being done.
The reality is that as long as we are prepared to fill in the gaps, and to continuously remind our children what they have to do, they won't be motivated to do it by themselves.
So what you're aiming for is to cut out the "white noise" that your husband describes and to simply say things once and mean it.