To love and be loved is the primary need

In the weeks leading up to children returning to school many parents turn their minds to their children's academic progress. On the other hand most children continue to focus on their holiday activities or summer job and are not eager to listen to their parents' concerns or expectations.

This difference in perspective often promotes conflict between parents and children and the unhealthy admonishment "I know what's best for you" frequently emerges.

On that latter point it is good for parents to know that children are quite well aware of what is best for them and what threatens their progress in this world. Not knowing what children are frightened of can lead to parents and teachers putting pressure on children in directions that are not productive.

The emotional and social worlds of children become enmeshed with their intellectual and educational life. A major difficulty in classrooms is not the physical, but the psychological, absence of students.

Mere physical presence does not in any way ensure learning. When children are not attentive the concern is not their lack of attention but the need to discover why they are not present to the adventure of learning.

The prime need, not only of children but of all adults, is to love and be loved. The second most powerful need is to learn. Parents and teachers tend to see learning as what is done in the classroom and do not appreciate children's major learning adventures in emotionality, creativity, physicality, sensitivity, social ability, music, arts, sports, mechanics, play and spirituality.

Once a child is not thriving in the academic subjects most parents react in ways that do not benefit their children's progress. They may show annoyance, aggression or over-anxiousness, all of which are guaranteed to exacerbate the situation. They may compare the child to a sibling or cousin or neighbour's offspring, but comparisons are acts of emotional rejection and will cause either withdrawal or temper outbursts. In a world of individuals it makes absolutely no sense to compare.

One thing that parents can be assured of is that their daughter or son has an innate urge to express his or her own uniqueness, individuality and difference. Indeed, within the family, each child will ingeniously find a way to express their individuality and it is not at all unusual to find that children go the opposite to each other in emotional, social, physical and creative expression. Typically, within a family of four, you may have the "academic", the "carer", the "charmer", and the "athlete".

It is wise for both parents and teachers to identify the unique ways that each child expresses his or her innate difference and, most importantly, to affirm that wonderful process. This does not mean that you allow a child to slide out of responsibilities that subconsciously he does not see as part of his identity. But it does mean that approaching areas of poor attainment and low motivation is done with sensitivity to the child's unique expression of self. Once a son or daughter is affirmed for their unique self-expression, and encouragement and support are given to what are perceived by parents and teachers as the "difficult areas", positive movement is likely to occur.

One of the assumptions that parents may make regarding their child's poor-to-average academic progress is that he or she is "weak" intellectually and that there is no point in trying "to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". This response undermines the confidence of the child who has limitless ability to learn any field of knowledge. Lack of ability is not the issue but lack of motivation. Sometimes the latter may arise from one child's determination not to compete with an older sibling who is always "top of the class". Other times it may be that the child is carrying deep emotional doubts about being loved and seen for self, and school learning is not a priority issue.

Other possibilities are peer pressure "not to be smart", or bullying, or teachers who employ cynicism or sarcasm, or hidden abuses that the child is terrified of revealing.

Only the individual boy or girl knows the true reasons for poor motivation and low attainment levels and only he or she can open the door to let you in to that inner world. They are unlikely to let you in if you come banging on the door, or are over-anxious, or show little belief or compare him or her to others.

Patience, love, support, understanding and belief in children are what are needed for them to feel safe enough to bring us into their inner worlds. Parents also need to keep in mind that their responsibility is to support their children in their unique life journey and to let go of the notion that children are there to fulfil their (the parent's) projections.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of several books.