Stopping a sense of shame

It is not a child's action that generates shame - but the response of adults, writes Tony Humphreys.

What is it that causes people to feel ashamed about certain actions and feelings? When a woman cries, she will avert her head and not make any eye contact and when asked about it, will say: "I feel ashamed at making such a fool of myself". Men experience - even more powerfully - feelings of shame when they cry. Shame also arises around feelings of depression, helplessness, anxiety, jealousy and envy. All of these feelings are important emotional barometers and signal the need for some internal and external changes - or both. Unfortunately, shame stops you expressing those feelings and opportunities for mature progress go abegging.

Infants and toddlers spontaneously express a whole range of feelings. It is not the child's actions or feelings that generate shame, but the responses of adults to their display. When parents are not comfortable with certain feelings or have taboos around sexual expression or spontaneous expression of achievements, they will tend to demonstrate disapproval when children exhibit such behaviour. For example, the uninhibited little girl who does somersaults may be stopped in her tracks by her mother who is uncomfortable about her child's panties showing. The child's free expression is not only halted but, intuitively, the child senses her mother's disapproval and this becomes a risk to her mother's acceptance of her.

Children know that they cannot survive without their parents and they conform in order to offset threats to their welfare. Unconsciously and cleverly, a sense of shame arises around the taboo feeling or action and will persist into adulthood. However, if the adult person does not reflect on what causes them to feel shame in certain situations, it is likely they will carry that shame to the grave with them. It also means that if they have children, the cycle of shame will be repeated.

Along with disapproval, scorn, ridicule and physical punishment all play their part in generating shame. When a child demonstrates an interest in something with which the adult feels uncomfortable or feels is inappropriate, the child's interest becomes buried and the feelings of shame arise to protect him from further excursions into that taboo area of behaviour. Ironically, it is the adult who needs to reflect on their punishing responses to the child's behaviour; in so doing, they have the opportunity to free themselves of shame and release feelings and behaviours that went underground when they were children.

In the most benign ways, children can experience condemnation of their experiences. The little boy who cries when his mother is leaving him at playschool is told there is no need to get upset because Mammy will be back soon. This well-intentioned comment designed to comfort the child, in reality has the effect of invalidating what the child is feeling. Not only does the child feel misunderstood, he also feels embarrassed for being upset in the first place. Later on, when, as an adult, he feels upset when his girlfriend is away, he will be fearful of telling her or others as his expectation is that he will be ridiculed for displaying such "weakness". The shame he experiences will now limit his ability to be intimate and his girlfriend may believe that he is not missing her. Not only will he cover up his "shameful" feelings, he may also appear nonchalant and uncaring (the exact opposite of what he really feels). No wonder so many relationships become confusing and troubled.

When a person demonstrates shame around an action or feeling, it helps enormously when the other person does not judge them. Such emotional support means that the person does not have to feel ashamed about having such feelings in the first place.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist