'I treated all the children the same'

Dr Tony Humphreys writes on family dynamics and how gender, birth order and the marital relationship affect parenting.

'I've treated all the children the same" is a response I have heard from many parents who bring me a child who is exhibiting distressing behaviours. Another frequent comment is "I don't understand why this child is a problem and my other children are not presenting any difficulties."

It is impossible to treat each child the same. When it comes to gender, parents respond to boys and girls in quite different ways. Observations show that most mothers, who still carry 95 per cent of the parenting, steer their male children away from the feminine qualities of tenderness, nurturing, empathy, expression of feelings, and compassion and towards the masculine qualities of taking power, ambition, drive and invention. Girls tend to be reared in an opposite direction. Yet, all children need the opportunities to develop their limitless potential across the full breadth of human behaviours, including both masculine and feminine qualities.

Whilst gender may explain why one child may be problematic compared to another, what about the situation where all the children are of one gender?

One possible and frequently quoted explanation is their birth place in the family. Each additional member of a family changes the dynamics of the family, and, more often than not, the dynamics of the marital relationship within two-parent families. There is the added difficulty that now up to 40 per cent of children only experience a two-parent family set-up until the age of six to seven years. The effects of marital turmoil, marital breakdown and conflict following separation on children are well documented, older children tending to suffer more.

For the sake of their children and, indeed, for the sake of themselves, separated parents need to draw closure on conflict and be available to nurture and support their children. Birth order can certainly be a factor. The middle child is often seen as the one who is more likely to prove difficult, as he may be sandwiched between a jealous older sibling and a younger "favoured" sibling. However, vigilant parents who notice the early signs of insecurity in any one of their children will take the necessary steps to help the child who feels threatened by their attention to the other children. When the parents fail to observe and act on the particular child's insecurity, then place in the family may be seen as the cause of the child's disturbance. However, if truth be told, the deeper reason lies in a deficit in parenting.

What is often not appreciated is that a parent interacts with each child differently and that it can be truly said that each child has a different parent. It cannot be any other way, each parent is a unique individual and each child is unique, therefore the relationship that develops can only be of a unique nature.

There is the added issue that each parent carries emotional baggage from their earlier experiences into their roles as partners and parents, and, quite subconsciously, will project aspects of that immaturity onto each child in a different way. For example, a parent, who as the eldest child in her family of origin was made to take on adult responsibilities for both parents and younger siblings, may, unwittingly, overcompensate with the first child by overprotecting him or her from having to take on any responsibilities.

Each child observes family dynamics very carefully and decides on unique ways he can express his individuality and draw attention to himself. He will also determine quite early on which parent most favours him and will form a coalition with that parent. Thus each child actively pursues an opposite form of expression of his individuality to a sibling and, inevitably, this individualising pattern draws unique responses from both parents and fellow siblings. Proof of the above phenomena is the totally different reminiscences that are related by adult children of one family. You would swear that each child had a different family and the truth is each did.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist