Headstrong, strongwilled or just plain difficult?

Headstrong, strongwilled, difficult . . . or - if a parent is trying to be diplomatic - spirited. Have you ever used any of these words about one of your children?

Does your child have tantrums regularly?

Is your child sensitive to any changes in her routine?

Does your child hate to be confined to a room, to the house, to the car seat? Does she insist on picking her clothes and dressing herself, no matter how inappropriate?

Is she a picky or fussy eater?

Do you feel that your child is manipulating you sometimes?

Well, though a child who does the above may be exhausting for the parents, still these "wilful" children who have fiery temperaments can be handled in a certain way, so at least a parent can work with the temperament rather than against it.

If a parent works against the grain, as it were, of a prickly temperament, it can lead to constant confrontations and a very upset household.

Parents who have one of these energetic, full-of-mischief children may blame themselves for the child's conduct. Perhaps they feel they did not give enough limits to the child, that the discipline boundaries were too wide or moved too often when they were younger. While these may be reasons for a child misbehaving, it must also be taken into account that "wilfulness" may be part of a child's nature. It is also worth noting that children are generally not aware they are manipulating you - there is no malice intended.

That's right. Children, when they are very young, do not go out to manipulate Mummy. However, if they behave in a certain way - having a tantrum because they do not want to go to bed, for example, and then being allowed to stay up - they learn that the behaviour worked, because their needs were satisfied. Therefore they will repeat the successful (in their mind) behaviour.

Unfortunately, that means a parent will have to put up with more tantrums rather than fewer. As parents we must always be aware of the future implications of the actions we take in response to our children's behaviour.

Genetics do have a part to play. Perhaps if you talk to grandparents they will really enjoy telling how "Johnny was just the same - he drove us crazy at times and never sat still for a minute."

Many times a child like this rushes around excitedly then gets exhausted and is emotionally up and down throughout the day. So what are we parents to do with this bundle of energy?

Do not allow your child's emotional ups and down get to you. That means do not swing with her - stay as calm and consistent as possible. This will help even out her own moods and give her a good example to follow. (I know this is easier said then done, but do your best.)

When any changes are about to occur, like leaving a friends house, going to bed, having dinner, give plenty of warnings.

When you need her to do something, get down to her eye level. Be clear and precise in your instructions, make sure she listens and knows you mean business.

If she has a tantrum, tell yourself that she is overwhelmed with emotions and looking for help, not just being bold - it helps you cope.

Have a set plan to follow if a tantrum occurs and stick to it. It will comfort both of you. This plan depends on your personal choice. It could be to cuddle the child firmly, whispering that all will be well - or it could be to leave the room and let the tantrum subside in its own time with no audience.

If you start the day with a heated battle about clothes, this may continue all day. A strongwilled child would be better having plenty of time in the mornings, rather than being rushed. So get up a little earlier, having picked out the clothes together the night before. Avoiding conflict before playschool or school helps the day to run smoother.

Pay extra attention when your child helps or behaves well. Try to ignore bold behaviour or fiddling, whining or rushing about, until you have to intervene.

Because these are very active children, give them lots of physical activities to do so they can burn off their excess energy. Join any local groups, playgroups, brownies, scouts, anchor-girls or boys, sports clubs, dancing classes etc, so that they can channel their energies in fun ways.

Do not underestimate how this child can help you. Dusting, sweeping, gardening - let them know how much you appreciate it when they do.

Finally, give yourself a well earned break regularly. These children can be great fun, but can be exceptionally tiring and emotionally draining. If you have little breaks from this type of a child it will help you keep your composure and counterbalance your child's emotional shifts.

Talk with partners, families and friends. Let them know you will need regular time to yourself.