There tends to be confusion in the understanding of the concepts of self-worth and self-esteem that often leads to misguided helping.
Self-worth is a given, unchangeable; it is what you are from the moment of conception: sacred, worthy of giving and receiving love, unique, individual, possessing vast intellectual potential and giftedness. It cannot be damaged or taken from you; it is always there, but for many people it lies hidden behind defensive walls. Your self-worth has to do with your unique being and no behaviour either adds or takes from your person. It is when the person of a child or adult begins to be seen through his or her behaviour that self-esteem emerges as a protection against not being loved and valued for self.
Self-esteem is a screen self, a crust you form around your real self in order to survive in the social system of which you are a member or in particular relationships. The greater the threats to your expression of your self-worth the lower is your self-esteem and the higher are your protectors. Basically, self-esteem is the amount of your real self that you dare show to people. It is in this sense that self-esteem is a screen, because it hides or veils what would be threatening to reveal. For example, each child is a unique individual and different.
However, difference has not been affirmed and celebrated in Irish culture and children (and adults) "con-form" to the demand to be the same in homes, classrooms, churches, communities and sports fields. The word con-form illustrates powerfully how self-esteem is developed as a shadow, a veil over what would be threatening to show - difference. "Con" means "false" and "form" means "image". To conform makes you create a false image, a shadow self that hides the aspect(s) of real self that is not accepted.
The more characteristics of your true self that are not affirmed or, on appearance, are severely punished and violated, the greater the defensive screen created by the person. There are individuals who describe themselves, for example, as "stupid", "evil", "vile", "ugly", "unlovable", "hateful", "bad". These persons created these self-esteem defences as a means of survival and, not surprisingly, it takes considerable patience on the part of others to help these individuals to let go of their shadow selves. There is a certain joy and comfort in being hidden, as it reduces further exposure to rejection and neglect - but what a disaster not to be able to fully express your sacred, unique and amazing presence. There is an inverse relationship between your level of self-esteem and your protectors: if your early experiences were of a loveless and harsh nature you would emerge from childhood with low self-esteem and with remarkably high protectors. The person with low self-esteem may be either very aggressive, violent, blaming, workaholic, alcohol dependent, possessive or extremely passive, withdrawn, apathetic, drug-addicted, shy, timid, fearful and depressed. Many people fall into the arena of having middle self-esteem where they hide only some aspects of their true selves and their defensive manoeuvres are moderate. A person with middle self-esteem may describe themselves as "I'm not all bad", "I'm your average man", "I'm as good as the next person", "There are people worse that me".
The longest and most exciting journey is the journey inwards
Their protectors would either be being argumentative, inflexible, over-ambitious and hypersensitive to criticism or dependent, fearful, anxious, uncertain, tentative and concerned about how others see them. Nevertheless, this group are much closer to their self-worth than those with low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem, which accounts for about five to 10 per cent of the population, are very close to the full expression of their unique presence and worth, but because we live in a world where the threats to being truly yourself are frequent, intense and enduring, some small level of protectors are required. Nevertheless, the person with high self-esteem is the one who works out mostly from their immutable self-worth and hence are loving, capable of receiving love, spontaneous, unique, different, individual, expansive, adventurous, creative and fearless.
It is important to understand that self-esteem arises in response to threats to the true expression of self and is an amazing and creative defence by those children and adults whose self-worth is threatened. Change begins with the acceptance of the shadow self as being a necessary "evil"; such embracing of your present level of self-esteem is the first step on the journey back to your real self. Stanislavsky, the Russian dramatist and thinker, wrote: "The longest and most exciting journey is the journey inwards."
Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem: The Key To Your Child's Education
