Choice and consequence in positive parenting

IT CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT for parents to let their children make "age appropriate" decisions yet responsible parenting involves no less than this, according to Norah Gibbons, the senior social worker at Barnardo's with responsibility for the National Children's Resource Centre at Dublin's Christchurch Square.

If in the past the thrust of good parenting was to control children and treat them all the same, Gibbons says that what is considered important nowadays is to treat each child as an individual and "from as early as possible to give them age appropriate choices". This new understanding of the developmental needs of children and the tasks of good parenting has been enshrined in the UN Convention on the Rights of Children.

For example, parents can negotiate with children at what time they'll do their homework, Gibbons says. But that's a far cry from telling them they can do it any time. She says the choice should be set within reasonable limits. If school ends at 3.30 p.m., the child could be told to choose a time between 3.30 p.m. and 7 or 8 p.m. barring any set time for the evening meal. Without setting reasonable limits, the child might choose him, which would be inappropriate.

"Give them a choice," she urges, "and they can watch TV and do their homework - instead of imposing a time on them." Then, if they don't do it there is an opportunity for the child to review her personal accountability: "We discussed this. This is a choice you made."

Parents, she says, shouldn't shield their children from the consequences of their actions - "Don't do the homework for them." Only by experiencing the consequences of their actions will children learn to test out their choices. Moreover, letting them live with the consequences of their actions teaches them self motivation.

If a child steals sweets from a shop, Gibbons suggests that the parent bring him or her back to the shop to pay for them. This must be handled very carefully, she stresses, and that every attempt must be made not to humiliate the child - "humiliation is not a good learning experience".

The parent might ease the blow by saying to the shop assistant something like: "We left the shop without paying for this".

By doing this, the child can learn that "if you make a mistake, you can put it right. It's not the end of the world. Slates can be wiped clean."

This works both ways, Gibbons argues. When parents make mistakes, it is important for them to go hack to their child and say sorry. Parents who recognise their own humanity don't blame their children for their own uncomfortable feelings, like anger. By saying, "sorry, I lost my temper", they have an opportunity to get close to their children.

"Don't burden children with guilt," she appeals. "You know well if you've lost your temper. Simply say: I'm sorry. I didn't listen. My mind was preoccupied.' We ask our children to own up if they are wrong. We should do the same."

SHE URGES PARENTS not to shoulder their children with their own emotional reactions. Parents should never say "you made me angry", but rather "I felt angry".

"Our feeling angry is to do with us. It's unfair trying to get others to own your stuff as well."

Gibbons believes parents should start giving children age appropriate choices from as young an age as possible. For instance, even two year olds can be let choose which colour socks to wear.

However, asking "What would you like to wear today?" can be dodgy. The child might choose a colour mix that's positively screaming. "If you're not going to live with their choice, don't offer it to them."

Likewise, she advises parents not to offer a choice if they're feeling impatient. Asking a two year old if he would like porridge or Weetabix can become an exciting game for the child, but it is "fraught with danger" if the parent is rushing out to work.

Gibbons admits it can be tricky for parents to know which choices are age appropriate. For instance, expecting children younger than three and a half or four years old to share toys is unrealistic. So how do parents find out what is and what is not age appropriate?

The simple test, she says, is to let them see you do whatever it is a few times. "If they don't cop it, they're not ready for it. It doesn't matter what it says in the books - your child is not there yet."