My husband is upset because I didn't initiate our sex schedule

Dear Roe

My husband and I are married for nearly 20 years but we still argue about sex issues. My husband’s drive is much higher than mine. We agreed on having sex twice a week, and that I would initiate it – but two weeks passed and I couldn’t initiate it (tired, busy, wasn’t up for it). I tried in the third week but he is very upset and is not in a good mood. I don’t understand how he can be so upset. We have gone through the same situation multiple times in past years but I don’t understand the behaviour that a person can get so upset and can’t move on from this.

Differing libidos can be very challenging within relationships, and the only way to successfully navigate it is with empathy and respect on both sides. The partner with a higher sex drive must be aware that even consensually having sex without having a drive for it can be draining and unfulfilling; and also imbue sex with feelings of obligation, rather than connection, intimacy and pleasure. The partner with the lower sex drive must understand that the emotional experience of wanting to have sex with your partner only to be consistently rejected can be very difficult. It is possible to communicate through these challenges, ensuring that emotional intimacy, affection and validation are present in the relationship.

Scheduling sex is one way to give sex a sense of priority within the relationship, in the same way couples schedule date nights or social time with friends. Scheduling sex isn’t about making it an obligation; it’s simply about making space for it in your lives.

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You agreed that you would make an effort to initiate sex twice a week, giving you more control over when you have sex, and giving your husband some reprieve from always initiating. You then didn’t want to have sex – which is completely fine. You never have to have sex when you don’t want to. But what is missing from your letter is any empathy for your husband, or communication with him. You didn’t express that while you didn’t want to have sex at that exact time, you were willing to find another way to connect. You didn’t reassure him that you remember the plan you made together and do want to have sex another time – or that you want to work on a different approach to your sex life that is more sustainable.

This isn’t just about sex. It’s about the disconnect between the very recent promise that you would both try to address this long-standing issue in a particular way, and then an immediate dismissal of it. When you say you “don’t understand [his] behaviour”, I don’t get the sense that you are trying to. Remove sex from the equation. Surely you can understand how you would be upset if someone agreed to do something to fix a long-term source of conflict, didn’t do it, didn’t acknowledge this, then acted like you were ridiculous for being disappointed?

Tuning into your husband’s emotions as well as your own will help your shared communication on this, letting you set boundaries while still fostering communication, and allowing your husband understand your feelings while not feeling that his are being ignored. For such a long-standing issue, a couple’s counsellor may be helpful.