‘Covid has made my relationship boring and I want to end it’

Dear Roe,

I was seeing a woman about five or six months before Covid hit. She’s a lovely person; kind, thoughtful, fun to be around. When we got together I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but I really liked her and was happy to see how things developed. Our first months together were great and I could see us getting serious.

But Covid has now gone on so long and I feel like I just don't want to be in a relationship during this. I've never enjoyed really long phone conversations and get more enjoyment out of being around people and doing things with the people I'm with. I feel bored and like it's a lot of effort to keep the relationship going. But I also know this is about the circumstance, not her. And I know I can't just expect her to still be single or interested in re-starting something later. Is it stupid to end something just because Covid is making it harder?

Circumstance matters. Circumstance is the context of our lives, and thus the context for our relationships. Getting an opportunity abroad that would make an existing relationship long distance is circumstance. Meeting someone great when you’re fresh out of a serious relationship and not ready to date them is circumstance. Being at a pivotal stage in your career and needing to focus on that is circumstance. Having a challenging time and needing to focus on your own mental health is circumstance.

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It is very understandable that your relationship, which sounds like it was still in the new, exploratory phase, is not offering you what it once was

Circumstances affect people’s relationships every day, because the circumstances and context surrounding our lives affect what we need, what we want, what we can devote time and energy to, what feels fulfilling rather than draining. And of course there are often ways to adapt, ways to keep relationships going as circumstances change. It is very possible that there are ways for your relationship to adapt that you haven’t thought about, and speaking honestly to your partner about your feelings might allow you both to explore different ways of connecting.

But you need to want to. Right now, we are all enduring some pretty extreme circumstances. A lot of our needs, priorities and energy levels have changed, and we’re trying to find new ways of feeling fulfilled. It is very understandable that your relationship, which sounds like it was still in the new, exploratory phase, is not offering you what it once was.

It’s also very understandable that having entered a relationship not looking for anything serious, this relationship might not be your priority during a pandemic, nor your primary source of emotional support and fulfilment. These are all valid reasons to end a relationship. Not wanting to be in a relationship is a valid reason to end a relationship.

And you’re right – she may not want to rekindle the relationship when the world restabilises a bit. You cannot assume that you get to pause a relationship and simply press play again later. But you can be honest with her, saying that she’s wonderful but right now, a relationship is not right for you. Down the line, who knows, you two might pick back up – or you’ll meet someone new, who wants the same kind of relationship you do, and circumstances will align.

“It’s not you, it’s the pandemic” is a new line, but can be a valid one.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe