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Dear Roe,
I’m so sick of my wife’s criticism but it’s especially bad about my body. I’m a fit 43-year-old but I have always had and still do have a bit of a belly. When I met my wife she had a perfect figure. Now after three kids she too has a belly.
But she constantly criticises my physique and fat-shames me at every opportunity. Her justification is that she has no choice about the way she is. It’s been years of constant body-shaming and it’s got to a stage where I don’t want to get undressed in front of her. I’m very sensitive and feel deeply ashamed of my body.
Part of me wants to go to the gym and transform myself, but that also feels like acquiescing to her demands. I’m confused.
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Your wife is insulting, bullying and body-shaming you, and it needs to stop, immediately.
What strikes me is that it doesn’t sound as if your physique has changed significantly, while your wife’s body has changed. I am not for a second suggesting that her body is a problem, and I hope you never imply that it is. Bodies change over time, and expecting a woman to have three children and not have a bodily transformation is ridiculous. But it appears that your wife may be feeling insecure about her own body. For her to say that she “has no choice about the way she is” indicates that she’s not feeling connected to or in control of her body, which is a really difficult emotional space to be in.
What is unacceptable, however, is her projecting these insecurities onto you, by lashing out and insulting your body. Whether her intention is to make you feel as insecure as she does, or to distract from the shame she feels about her own body, or to feel in control of something, I do not know. What I do know is that the insults have to stop.
Tell your wife that she has been rude, disrespectful and demeaning and she is no longer allowed to make comments about your body. Tell her this is a definite boundary – if she insults your body, you will leave the conversation. Ask her to listen as you tell her how her comments have made you feel, and how hurt you are by her repeated efforts to make you feel bad about yourself. These are not the actions of a loving and supportive partner, but a bully, and it’s completely understandable that you’re confused by this horrible turn.
If you are feeling generous or once you get into a more trusting space, ask her if she knows why she is doing this, and listen. It may be that she does have some awareness about why she’s doing this, or maybe she’s willing to go to therapy to reconnect with her body and self-esteem. But even if after a conversation she refuses to reflect on her behaviour and change it, there’s a bigger issue here. She knows she’s hurting you and wants to continue doing so. That’s the only thing worthy of shame here, and the only thing that needs to transform.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe