Being a parent is to live in a permanent state of mild to high anxiety. And perhaps nothing generates more anxiety than your child making a big life transition, such as moving from post-primary to third level.
The rupture can feel huge. Suddenly, your child is an adult: they’re moving out of home, or they’re staying at home but, like most young adults, drinking and dating. How do you navigate this new relationship and how can you help them towards independence while also ensuring they have respect for your boundaries (particularly if, like so many more young people are being forced to do because of the lack of accommodation in Ireland, they’re still living at home)?
We asked three experts for their tips. Laura Moloney is an admissions officer at the University of Limerick. Margaret Brierty is an admissions officer at Dublin City University. And Betty McLaughlin is a career guidance counsellor and former president of the Institute of Guidance Counsellors. And Trish Harrington is a guidance counsellor at St Patrick’s Cathedral Grammar School in Dublin 8.
Let them go
One of the things we experience when onboarding students is that parents are the ones filling in the forms online and then, when it comes to them going to college, they can’t even access email as one of their parents had set it up for them. Make sure that, if you want to help, you do things with them, rather than for them. — Laura Moloney
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Let them make mistakes
It’s about helping them to stand on their own two feet. Young people learn by making mistakes although, that said, some mistakes — like choosing the wrong course and having to repeat — may have a financial impact on their parent. So talk about the logistics of their choice and help them make the decision that is right for them. — Margaret Brierty
To build resilience, we must overcome challenges. There will be bumps along the way for every child and young person, regardless of their background, ability or experience. — Betty McLaughlin
Help build them up
In senior cycle, young people are building on the work experience and opportunities they undertook in Transition Year. To help with the transition, it’s a good idea to allow them to talk to people in the professions that interest them, bring them to open days and, if it doesn’t eat into their study time, allow them to continue with a little bit of work experience. At the same time, they may go to Easter or summer camps related to the college or school subjects that interest them, whether that’s science camp, working with a local mechanic, or talking to an accountant about the new accountancy apprenticeships. — Trish Harrington
They are adults now
With the expansion of Transition Year to more schools nationwide, many Leaving Cert students are over 18. They’re adults now, and I do feel sorry for those who may still be living at home, because they would be under less scrutiny if they had moved out. It is important for parents to realise that they are adults now and that you can’t necessarily just tell them what to do.
Evidence shows that, if you listen to a young person and their point of view, showing respect for them and their rights, they won’t only be more receptive — they will also be more open to taking your advice. Keep the lines of communication open, but give them space as well. — Betty McLaughlin
Steps to freedom
Independence doesn’t happen overnight, so it can help to give young people greater responsibility, including doing laundry, planning a shopping budget, doing the weekly shop and opening a bank account. A part-time job, meanwhile, might give them a savings goal. All this will help them to cope with adult life. — Trish Harrington
Living at home, they may still have their cooking and cleaning done. But the hotpress fairy won’t move to college with them, so it’s a good idea to help them develop these skills by giving them more responsibility. — Margaret Brierty
Overwhelmed
They’re going to a much bigger environment than secondary school, so they may feel overwhelmed and daunted. Remind them that they’re not the only one feeling that way. Getting the balance right means acknowledging their fear but at the same time encouraging them [to move beyond it]. — Laura Moloney
Making friends
The college experience doesn’t just happen; students have to make it for themselves. They can’t sit back and say they haven’t made friends, they have to step outside their comfort zone by signing up for clubs and societies. — Laura Moloney
Alternative paths
Don’t worry if it doesn’t work out as planned, because there are alternative pathways including further education. — Laura Moloney
Times have changed
It’s important to remember that the jobs of parents today are not necessarily the jobs their children will be in. New careers are opening up and their paths may be different: they may, for instance, be working in data analytics or artificial intelligence, or a job related to climate change. — Margaret Brierty
It takes time
Settling into college does not happen overnight, and you have to be patient. And if they are struggling in college, they can talk to an advisor or get support, because every college wants your child to be happy and enjoy their course. If we can help, we will. — Laura Moloney
Neurodiversity and Higher Options
Higher Options is a big, bustling and often noisy affair. This means that, as is the case with many large events, it can be overwhelming for some autistic people or those with other neurodiversities such ADHD, dyspraxia or hypersensitivity. But, if they don’t go, are they missing out on vital information?
Laura Moloney, admissions officer at UL, says that there are also many mid-sized career and college fairs that happen throughout the country, all through the year.
“We, for instance, have a midwest career fair which is held in UL, and because it is not as busy, it may be good for someone with sensory issues. We also hold an open day in January and it’s on a Saturday, which can be a good day for a parent to come with their child, meet the course director, see the facilities and talk to staff.
“There can also be an option for parents to arrange a video call or a phone conversation with the course director or the outreach team, and we can facilitate one of our people going to a school, or a school can book a campus visit with us.”
Other third-levels will also offer similar supports for neurodiverse learners, so nobody should need to miss out on getting information. All third-levels also have disability support services. On top of that, most third-levels now have maths, writing and IT support centres, as well as other pastoral supports like student advisers, counselling and health centres. For parents and young people who had to struggle for services in primary and secondary school, all this can be a really positive change.
