Nine out of 10 people believe families should have the right to deliver a eulogy at the funeral Mass of a relative, a survey has found.
The issue of eulogies is a controversial one especially for Catholics in many parts of the country as several dioceses do not allow them.
The Irish Times asked readers for their thoughts on the issue.
Moya Ní Cheallaigh, from Co Limerick, finds it “very sad these days when so often the priest does not know the deceased and is just going through the motions”.
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“I love when there is a eulogy which tells me about the real actual person for whom we have gathered to pay our respects,” she said.
Ní Cheallaigh gave the eulogy for her own mother in 2010 when she died suddenly from an aneurysm.
Three years earlier, she had taken notes when chatting to her one night in front of the fire.
“They included instructions like ‘I want you to tell everyone how much I loved birds and nature, and singing. And that I played tennis and piano back in the day and sold my first painting when I was 75! Tell them how much I missed your dad but how much their friendships meant to me ... and above all don’t scrimp on the food!’”
Ní Cheallaigh said she began the eulogy by quoting her mother directly and “did her justice judging by the laughs and smiles of empathy”.
A good eulogy “can be a cathartic and meaningful experience for the giver and their audience”, she said.
[ We’re not bouncy castle Catholics – we’re the incense and eulogies kindOpens in new window ]
Laura Devenney, who is not religious but has attended Catholic, Anglican and humanist funerals in the last year, said a eulogy adds “a much needed personal touch to religious services”.
“Often the priest or minister will not know the person who has passed away on a personal level so the eulogy is much more personal,” she said.
“Nothing compares with the humanist ceremony I attended last year, where the entire ceremony was personalised and felt like a beautiful tribute and celebration of the person’s life. But I understand this is not for everyone, so I do think a eulogy gives this option in religious services,” Devenney said.
Nicola Dennehy, of Co Cork, whose husband Denis died six weeks ago, felt similarly and decided to “skip the church altogether” to honour her husband.
“We had a fantastic celebrant at the crematorium who actually spoke about the things my husband loved. Then both my brother in law and I got to speak about him. It felt so much more fitting and personal than a mass would have been,” she said.
“The only thing I’d have changed was having to do it at all.”
For others, funerals at a church are just as meaningful, but many readers said they still prefer when there is a eulogy. TJ Fleming, from Co Mayo, said “being able to say a few words to remember a loved one is often a very important element in funerals in south Mayo and the west in general”.
“A eulogy is generally kept to a few minutes and very much depends on the deceased person. Maybe none at all for a very aged person who was not active in the community for some years, longer for a sudden death of a well-known person and a very different approach for the death of a young person or where their might have been a suicide,” he said.
“The general advice is to understand the nature of the occasion, remembering it is not a best man’s speech at a wedding or an entertaining speech, or after-dinner speech,” he said.
Joe Mullan, who is a parish priest in Co Dublin, said he always allows people to speak at the end of Mass if that is what they wish to do.
“When we meet with families to prepare a funeral liturgy this topic is discussed. Very reasonable guidelines about length and content are discussed and any issues that need to be addressed are explored. With about 50 funerals a year, I can say that most people who speak, use less than 10 minutes, are sensitive to the environment of the church and solemnity of the liturgy and a respectful and appropriate address is given,” he said.
For Shane Bradley, based in Co Dublin, the demand for eulogies at Catholic funerals was “understandable” but was “evidence of the decline of faith”.
“For a believer, the funeral is about God and not the deceased,” he said.
