Dear Roe,
I am a 30-year-old who has been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years. He has all the kind and caring qualities. I enjoy my time with him. I have always been aware that he can come across bluntly and poorly in conversations with me and social settings. I have brought this up with my partner lots of times but he doesn’t understand. It is starting to take from my enjoyment of the relationship and not sure if it warrants breaking up over. What do I do?
After 10 years together, you know the good qualities of your partner and the bad – and he knows all of your delightful attributes and annoying qualities, too. Something to be aware of in long-term relationships is that we can start to take our partner’s good qualities for granted. The romantic gestures, the sense of humour, the little kindnesses, the intelligence, the quirk that used to give us butterflies can all come to be expected – and when we expect something, we can underappreciate it. Meanwhile, as life gets filled up with more responsibilities and routine, less novelty and excitement, all the little annoyances about our partners can feel elevated.
It’s not because our partner has changed, it’s because our experience of them has. Sometimes that experience shift is a warning sign, telling us that our priorities, needs or standards have shifted, and the relationship is no longer compatible with that shift. And sometimes that shift in experience is just an indication that we have things to work on, in the relationship but also in ourselves, to ensure we’re not focusing solely on our partner’s one annoying quality – while overlooking all their great ones.
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I don’t know your relationship, I don’t know what “blunt” means in this context, and it could be that there’s a rude, cruel or nasty streak to your partner that is understandably very upsetting. However, you say that he is kind and caring, and if this genuinely feels true to you and is shown through his actions on a regular basis, it feels probable that his bluntness isn’t the sign of a malicious streak but rather a clumsy communication style.
His intentions are really important here. There’s a big difference between a bluntness that intends to hurt, and a bluntness with good intentions that simply isn’t wrapped up in excessive niceties. So, think about everything you know about your boyfriend, and some instances where he came across as rude. Are his intentions good? Is he being nasty or mean-spirited or aggressive – or simply defaulting to a level of honesty that is comfortable for him, but maybe not others? Is he assuming people understand his intentions or sense of humour when maybe they don’t?
(Some readers might be wondering whether his social interactions may be shaped by something like neurodivergence, but you know your partner and haven’t mentioned it – so I’m not going to linger.)
If you believe your boyfriend’s intentions to be good, if you know his character and know he is never intentionally trying to be hurtful, that’s very important. I’d urge you to keep this grace-filled lens on his interactions. I’ll return to your relationship in a moment, but when it comes to his missteps with other people, I want you to consider what exactly you’re worried about. That other people are judging him, or you? Who are these people to you? If they’re close friends or family members, is it actually causing issues that are impacting you? Or are these acquaintances that perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t mind being misunderstood by? Can you trust that, like you, the people who know him understand his intentions and his communication style, and love him anyway? If the way he’s coming across is negatively impacting on his relationships, is that your problem to solve? Can you put that responsibility down?
Consider what parts of this are actually a problem, and what parts of it are your anxieties about other people’s opinions that you can let go of. Your boyfriend is a grown man. He can be misunderstood occasionally if he doesn’t mind, and if he needs to do any repair work after accidentally hurting someone’s feelings, let that work be his.
When it comes to your relationship, it of course makes sense that you want some more softness and tenderness in your communication. But if your partner “doesn’t understand” when or how he’s coming across rudely, calm and specific communication is going to be really important. Big declarative statements like “You’re always so rude” aren’t going to help. Instead, practice getting specific in the moment. Think of it as a formula: Combine acknowledgment of intention + explanation of the impact of his words + a possible alternative phrasing. Something like “I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings [intention], but when you just said you don’t love my outfit, it made me feel insecure because I put a lot of effort into looking nice, and now I feel like you don’t appreciate that, aren’t attracted to me, and I’m going to be anxious about my appearance all evening [impact]. You can think to yourself that you prefer other outfits, while still telling me I look nice. And the next time I wear that outfit you love, you can be extra complimentary to show your preference in a nice way [alternative phrasing].”
Are his good qualities and the overall health of the relationship worth it?
The goal is to show him in the moment how his words are landing, and model different ways of expressing himself. You can even flag with him that you’re going to start doing this. You could say something such as, “We’ve spoken about this before, but sometimes the way you phrase things really hurts my feelings, and it’s impacting how I feel in this relationship. I know your intentions are good, but I do need this to be attended to. So I’m going to try telling you in the moment how your words are landing with me, and I’d really appreciate if you could make the effort to listen and try to adjust how you express yourself sometimes. I don’t want you to feel constantly criticised, but I don’t want to feel constantly hurt, so I need us both to commit to working on this.” Then see how it goes, thanking him whenever he phrases something gently so he understands what’s working well.
If you don’t see significant changes, you then need to decide what to do. If he can’t or won’t change his communication style significantly, can you accept it? I don’t mean never be annoyed by it, but can you accept that your partner having a blunt communication style is one of the prices of admission to being in a relationship with him? Can you commit to understanding his intentions, appreciating his good qualities, and probably always rowing about this a bit?
It might be helpful to remember here that according to research by the Gottman Institute, all couples have perpetual problems, or problems that repeat, causing up to 69 per cent of arguments in a relationship. Perpetual problems centre on either fundamental differences in your personalities or your lifestyle needs that come up again and again in any relationship.
[ ‘My boyfriend is so kind and loving, but I feel a bit bored’Opens in new window ]
Bearing in mind all his good qualities, and acknowledging that in any relationship, you will have a perpetual problem to deal with – can you accept that if you stay in this relationship, this will be yours? Are his good qualities and the overall health of the relationship worth it? Can you think of all your irritating qualities that your boyfriend puts up with and commit to being more forgiving and accepting – or is bluntness, rudeness, poor social etiquette, too difficult and draining for you? Only you know the answer. Good luck.
