Dear Roe,
My girlfriend and I are in our early 30s and have been together for three years. We moved in together six months ago, and have plans for our future including marriage and children. We have had some ups and downs – we used to argue a lot without finding resolutions and ended up going to therapy. This helped a lot, and we have been much better at communicating. Although we do still argue now and then, it never feels like something “bad” is happening and we generally find a way to resolve our issues. We have both been very happy for the last year or so and excited about our life plans together.
We had an argument recently that left me reeling a bit, and I can’t shake a feeling of deep insecurity. She regularly texts her ex-boyfriend (who lives in her home country) and occasionally has catch-up phone calls with him. She explained that before their relationship they were just friends and she wanted to keep that friendship as it was meaningful to her.
However, two years ago she was having doubts about his intentions/capacity to be a friend, and decided to talk to him. The outcome was that his feelings were “complicated”. I then found out that a year before our relationship they were texting each other and they were going to get together romantically until she found out he had a girlfriend. She immediately put a halt to this, and told him they would only ever be friends. He is still with this girlfriend and does not plan on telling her he is in contact with my girlfriend.
READ MORE
I was left feeling very upset and insecure. She said they would stop texting/calling but might catch up at Christmas. He reached out by text this Christmas asking when she was free for a call. I explained that I didn’t like it, it brings up a lot of uncomfortable feelings, makes me feel very insecure, and also it isn’t fair to his partner given this is happening behind her back.
I don’t understand why she would talk to an ex who has “complicated” feelings for her. I didn’t tell her what to do. She called him anyway. We had a big argument and even though I don’t think she has any unfaithful intentions, she knew it would upset me. Am I being too insecure? Am I being controlling? Is this a red flag that my feelings were not made a priority?
I understand why this has unsettled you, but I do also think that by making this a black-and-white issue – either she cares about you and cuts off all contact with him or she doesn’t – you are overlooking all the ways your feelings have been made a priority. Your girlfriend has told you about their past and their dynamic, she has majorly cut down on their communication, she tells you when they do speak, and she has explicitly told him he’s not a priority.
Oh, and that one small other thing you’re overlooking; she’s in a relationship with you, lives with you, is planning to marry you and have your children.
If you discard all that because she has a yearly call with an ex, or your faith in her entirely hinges on her obeying your desire for her to cut him off, your insecurities are outweighing reality. You say you “didn’t tell her what to do”, but if you punish her after she has any contact with him through arguments or outbursts, that is controlling behaviour. Be very honest with yourself and ask if you have veered into this.
Adults can and do remain in contact or friendly with exes for a variety of reasons. Heteronormative culture can be quite toxic on this idea, presuming that any romantic history automatically precludes the possibility of a meaningful, platonic friendship in the present, and can normalise retroactive jealousy, or couples policing each other’s friendships. Feminist and queer ethics often have far more open ideas about this, understanding that relationships can change in nature and still remain meaningful.
I would urge you to remember that your girlfrien does seem clear and boundaried about what she wants
It would be worth asking your girlfriend why staying in touch with this person is important to her – not as an interrogation or to make her justify contact with her ex, but so you can understand her more. There are lots of possible reasons she could want to remain in touch, and I don’t believe that your girlfriend having some contact with her ex is inherently a red flag.
But I do also think are some aspects to her communication with this person that are knotty and worth discussing. You ask if you’re being “too insecure” or controlling, and in conversations or behaviour with her, you may be coming across as such. But if you’re still behaving respectfully and just feeling uneasy, you could also reframe your insecurity as information: your psyche is reaction to a situation that does not feel fully honest, respectful, or ethically aligned between you. If you can take that information and have an honest conversation instead of moving towards control, this could be a really illuminating moment.
Your girlfriend may have no romantic feelings left for this person, but he has historically harboured feelings for her, and possibly still does. The fact that he isn’t being honest with his own girlfriend about their communication also feels dishonest on his side and ethically uneasy on your girlfriend’s side, as she’s engaging in a relational triangle built on omission. This brings a tension into her claim that the friendship is ethically neutral – it may be to her, but she knows it’s occurring in the grey space of his (barely) concealed attachment and his current relationship.
It feels like that asymmetry is what’s causing you concern – their contact isn’t neutral, contains ambiguity, secrecy and ethical thorniness, and yet you’re being asked to trust it completely. Highlighting that discrepancy isn’t unreasonable, and feels like an important conversation for you both, as it will allow you to explore questions of appropriateness, boundaries, loyalty – and how you want to respond as a couple when one of you is uncomfortable about contact with another person. You can keep this conversation calm and focused on understanding each other and respecting difference while creating shared values, not policing behaviour.
[ Relationship experts on secrets to long-term loveOpens in new window ]
I would also urge you to remember that she does seem clear and boundaried about what she wants. Their relationship ended, and she has set boundaries and pulled back whenever he’s tried to mess with her emotionally. It sounds like she – like many of us in our youth – had feelings for a guy who was a bit of a mess and a player, and she decided to choose differently. She decided to choose you. She decided to commit to you, this relationship, your future plans. She has gone to couples therapy to break bad communication patterns and learn how to argue constructively, and with care. She is planning a future with you. Don’t forget that.
So see if this conversation can keep you both on the track you are on now: where you both feel respected, understood and invested in this relationship’s health and future. Call up your old couples counsellor to help you move through this respectfully. Good luck.
