‘Am I better to be truthful to my teenage son and tell him about his dad?’

Question

I have a teenage son and am wondering how to tell him about his father, who I will call John (not his real name).

My son last saw his father about nine years ago – it’s his dad’s choice not to have any contact. He never sends a birthday or Christmas card, or reaches out in any way. He has never paid maintenance.

My son has additional needs, and it’s been very challenging to raise him and earn enough money to pay for everything. My son does have a good relationship with his paternal grandmother.

The truth is that my son was conceived from a sexual assault, there was no relationship, and his father was never there for me in any way. The man has been very abusive to me over the years, sending me messages by text, email and social media that are very disturbing and threatening. He didn’t come to see me during my pregnancy, and, after my son was born, he never came to see him. He moved abroad when my son was a toddler.

At the suggestion of his mother (my son’s grandmother), John came back to Ireland to build a life here about eight years ago, and his mother took him in and supported him. We met along with my son and John seemed to have an interest in being in his life, but, after a few weeks, he ceased contact. My son was very upset and became sullen with him. He felt his dad had abandoned him.

[ ‘My son spends hours gaming and on YouTube. He has become slightly overweight and I am worried’Opens in new window ]

The matter ended up in court. John ignored the court maintenance order, so I went back to the judge to see whether they could get him to pay. She was very angry, as he was known to her for other offences, and she issued a bench warrant for his arrest. When he found out about this, he went to his mother’s house, where he had been living (she was abroad), and completely trashed the house before disappearing overseas. His mother was deeply traumatised when she came back and discovered what he had done, and she has had a protection or safety order against him for the seven years since that happened.

John’s brother is to get married in Ireland at Easter, and the family are getting together for this. While I don’t know whether John is going to come back for it, it wouldn’t surprise me if he did. If so, I would be very afraid that he might try to attack us. I have never shared with my son all of the craziness that I have had to deal with, and I think he blames me for his father not being in his life, and thinks his father is a good person.

I am conflicted, therefore, as I paint a picture of his dad that is very rose-tinted to protect my son from the truth. This affects my relationship with my son, as he is resentful and likely sees me as the probable cause of his dad’s absence, rather than seeing me as the parent who has carried a heavy load – made all the heavier by his father’s abusiveness and failure to support in any way.

Am I better to be truthful to my son, or to continue to lie to him and carry this situation? I am getting advice from Women’s Aid in the meantime to see whether I can get a safety order, so that if John does arrive some night at my door, I can call gardaí and have him removed.

Answer

You have been stoic and responsible in your care for your son, but he is now on the cusp of adulthood, and he will need to absorb the realities of life in a way that his additional needs allow.

You may need to have some discussion with his teachers and those who specialise in his specific additional needs in order to come up with a plan that allows him to take on board that his father is someone who has been unwilling or unable to care for him.

It may be time to put your energies into your own life, to ensure that you model a rich and varied life

It might be a very useful step to seek support for this process. You can look up a family therapist (some specialise in areas such as autism spectrum, if that is appropriate), and both you and your son could have individual and joint support on this journey. (Check familytherapyireland.com for accredited therapists.)

The wedding offers a way for both you and your son to connect with extended family, if you get their support. Given that John’s mother has had such difficulty, the whole of John’s family should be made aware of his behaviour, if they do not know already, and should be conscious of the need to protect and care for its vulnerable members, ie their mum, you and your son. This will require some conversation beforehand and might provide a useful deadline for both you and your son to discuss the situation.

You will need to exhibit confidence and skill in the difficult conversations that are ahead, both with extended family and with your son, so it is worth realising that the truth, told with compassion and conviction, is very powerful. You already have a long history of tackling difficult situations (contacting the judge, recruiting Women’s Aid to your assistance, supporting your son as a single mother), so have faith in your abilities and start speaking honestly to your son and his extended family.

It may be time to put your energies into your own life, to ensure you model a rich and varied life – there is a lot of evidence to support the notion that one good adult is sufficient to create the basis for wellbeing in young people – see myworldsurvey.ie.

You have been that good adult – and you might now allow yourself to trust in all that you have provided for your son.