‘My sibling turns every family event into a scene where they are the star’

Question

I am really struggling to deal with an adult sibling’s behaviour. They are prone to narcissistic behaviour and turn every family event into a scene where they are the star and only priority.

If we are having a conversation they aren’t interest in, they will interrupt and steer the subject to a story where they are either the hero or the victim. I learned long ago that trying to please them is an impossible task and they are never satisfied with the level of attention or care they get – so I have withdrawn and don’t really bother trying now as it’s a waste of time. I know this makes their behaviour worse, but I don’t have the mental capacity to pretend.

I don’t want to be rude and want to enjoy myself but am already extremely anxious about spending the day together. It’s not an option to be separate.

Answer

This scenario will be familiar to many people – where someone has to take the limelight and cannot allow others some space. When this occurs in a close family relationship, it can be very wearing and lead to avoidance and withdrawal. This is what you have chosen and, while it is very understandable, it can, as you point out, lead to even more of the attention-seeking behaviour.

Your sibling’s behaviour suggests they are very insecure: a confident person does not need to hog attention as they can hold on to a sense of self without everyone in the room verifying them. This need for validation and the resulting patterns of behaviour have obviously worked somewhat over the years, and now your sibling is stuck in a habit that is guaranteed to fail, as the audience will literally walk away or shut down. Without some sense of self-awareness, your sibling is likely to increase their demand for attention when feeling anxious or insecure and so on and on goes the pattern.

You say you too are suffering from anxiety, even though with a different source, and there is a likelihood that both you and your sibling will rub off each other, escalating the tension until a crisis occurs. This is often how family rifts begin, with the estrangement sometimes extending to the next generation. It does not have to be this way: you can take action, but this will need to be focused on your wellbeing rather than relying on your sibling to change.

Pretending to like or approve of your sibling will only deplete you, but accepting them as they are will lift the burden. What is it you are accepting though? This is a person who has a fear of being invisible, a fear of not being important enough combined with a habit of sucking attention away from others. This position can feel so bad for a person that they would rather negative attention than none, so your disapproval may be fuelling the situation. If you can understand that fear is a big contributor to their behaviour, it might allow you to adopt a different attitude, which in turn might allow you to drop your defensiveness and be more open and relaxed in your dealings with your sibling.

What you want to reinforce is good behaviour, so give lots of positive attention when they are being appropriate, and practise patience. If you pretend, or are critical, you will actively contribute to their bad behaviour as their reaction is likely to be exaggerated to gain some validation – ie more attention. So the effort you need to put in is about letting go of your own anger and resentment. This is not letting your sibling “win” – rather it allows you to enjoy yourself while operating with full understanding of what is really happening.

You do not have to change your sibling, but you can have influence if an opportunity occurs – this might come in the form of your sibling having a moment of safety when they can be reached beyond their usual bluster. What might you want them to hear from you? Can you dig up some faith in them that they are worthwhile in themselves without the limelight?

This is what they actually need to know, and you may only play a small part in conveying the message to them, but it could be a significant moment for them. In order to seize this opportunity, you will need to be awake to the vulnerable moments where something might sink in, so having an open attitude and a kind approach is key to this happening.

At the very least, you will find that by dropping resentment, you will be much freer to enjoy yourself, and your wellness will not be connected to someone else changing their behaviour.