‘I feel a bit resentful of my daughter who did not involve me in her new marriage after her husband died’

Question

My daughter’s lovely husband died three years ago, from cancer. It was a hugely tough time for everyone as he was so young.

His little children were bereft and I got very close to them in the years afterwards. They would come to my home most weekdays after creche or school and I love them dearly.

Recently, my daughter started dating a divorced man and they have just come back from holidays with the news that they got married. I’m shocked and feel like I’ve been hit by something. This man has three children and they want to set up house with all the children living together.

I want to have a relationship with these children as they are going to be brought up with my daughter and my grandchildren, but I am really struggling. I feel so bad for my two little grief-stricken mites and do not know how I can extend myself to love and care for the other three. I feel confused and a bit resentful of my daughter who did not involve me in her decision to remarry, but I don’t want her to lose any chance of future happiness. I wish my husband was here to help, but he died when my daughter was a teenager, and she and I have had a fragile relationship since. I know she would have taken advice from her dad, and this has been a huge lack in her life.

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

I feel like I am walking on eggshells and am afraid that if I do the wrong thing, she might cut me off.

Answer

You find yourself very suddenly in the middle of a blended family and, while it might take some adjustment, this is now a common occurrence, and we all need to support it working.

You were blindsided by your daughter’s new marriage and perhaps feel a bit ostracised, but your role is crucial and important. You have wisdom and experience on your side, and you know what grief and recovery are like, so you have a huge amount to offer. Walking on eggshells and cultivating fear is no way to live, so take some risks with your daughter and ask her how she sees you fitting into this new family.

Perhaps you could express admiration for her and her new husband’s desire to build a family where all the children can be loved and valued equally. She might have ideas (and knowledge) of what the other children’s needs are and how you and she can build solid relationships with them. Your grandchildren will no doubt be shaken by this turn of events but they will take their lead from you (a very solid person in their lives) in terms of your confidence in the new arrangement working out.

[ I’m thinking of leaving my depressed partner but am horrified about what it will do to her daughterOpens in new window ]

If this works out well, your grandchildren will gain a wider support system, but of course they will need security in order to be open to this possibility. In order to ensure this, you might make a plan with your daughter to include the option of her children having protected time with both you and her while also planning time for the bigger group to spend time together. You might speak openly with the grandchildren about love and how it grows to fit newcomers and does not divide into parts. It is useful to express your concerns, so that they can express theirs too, but to also talk of possibilities and connections that are possible in a blended family. Communication will be a big feature of life going forward as many of life’s occasions will not follow a taken-for-granted path.

New traditions will need to be set up and everyone needs to be open to changes. You can lead on this communication by being open, honest and challenging with your daughter. In order to do this, you will need to assume a robustness to your relationship, and this actually grows by leaning into it. Tell her that you can see her resourcefulness and that you are proud of it, but that you also want to be able to comment freely so that everyone can speak up. You can talk about her loss of a dad and how she is ensuring her children will have a strong man, with values, in their lives. Ask her to help you to adjust and tell her that you would like to learn from her how to enlarge your own life and be committed to listening to her on this. You will have your own relationship with her new husband, and this must be nurtured and given time to develop – it should not be a pretend relationship so open yourself up to knowing him.

Blended families can offer huge joy and connection for all its extended members, but it will require commitment, openness and communication to make it work.