Dear Roe,
I was with my ex for more than a year and really loved him, but two months ago I found out he was cheating on me for practically the entire time. I broke up with him but I’m still so upset and angry. I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m really trying not to blame myself or let it destroy my self-esteem but it’s so hard. I keep thinking if I had been “better” in some way, he would have stayed faithful. I don’t want to feel like this.
Here is your new mantra: “I was a test that he failed, and he is a test that I passed.” He was offered love, respect and commitment and had the choice to prove himself worthy of it – and he failed. You had the choice to love openly, to commit to someone, to respect your commitment; and then to walk away from someone who hurt, betrayed and disrespected you because you know you deserve more – and you did it all.
Pain is unavoidable in life, and a betrayal like this is a deep, deep pain, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. But you loved authentically, you respected yourself enough to walk away, and you will continue to move through this world with that hope, that appreciation of real love, your dignity, your self-respect, your wisdom and your values. He is not currently capable of giving, accepting and experiencing real love, respecting relationships, being honest or being accountable.
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The consequences of his actions are that he lost you. He lost you, while the consequences of your actions are that you gained the freedom to move beyond him to the things you deserve, and the people who deserve you.
This time will be hard, and take care of yourself – but also be so proud of yourself. Feel so grateful that you’re free of this man, and be grateful for the self knowledge and certainty you have gained from this experience.
In the poem Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell, the poet Marty McConnell imagines Frida Kahlo advising her through the heartbreak of leaving an unworthy man, saying “you lucky, lucky girl”. The imaginary Frida Kahlo acknowledges the need for grieving and self-care in the time after a heartbreak, but also reminds McConnell of her power, and of the man’s weakness.
She writes: “You are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.” Your ex has to be him, in all his limitations and smallness. You, on the other hand, get to be you, without him holding you back. Heart like a canvas, so strong it can’t be ignored. You lucky, lucky girl.
