Question
I was at a wedding a few weeks ago and reflecting that I am a long way from anything like this, ie getting married.
I’m in my late 30s, have a good job, live alone and travel a lot for both work and socially. I’ve been thinking about getting into a long-term relationship, but haven’t done anything about it. Mostly, I’ve been dating non-Irish women, and I find them very interesting but have an idea that if I have a long-term relationship, maybe it should be with an Irish woman.
I usually organise my dates for a Friday or Saturday night, and this suits me as I have a very organised week otherwise. My sister tells me that I struggle with change, and she has been talking to me about settling down as she thinks I’ll get too stuck in my ways.
I’m not unhappy, but find myself being a little jealous when I see friends so loved up and delighted in each other. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love, except for a big crush in secondary school, so I find it hard to muster the enthusiasm that might be required to take any relationship to the next level.
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Answer
It seems that your aim of a long-term relationship is still a little vague and not enough to push you into enough action. You could be right in thinking that falling in love might be the critical factor and if this is to be possible, you might need to change your habits and get out of your comfort zone.
You say that you are attracted to and actually date non-Irish women but you might be holding yourself back from becoming close to them out of a sense that something long term can’t happen with them – is this really true? You may have assumptions or fixed ideas of what constitutes a successful relationship, and these may be blocking these casual relationships from blossoming. You do not say how your dates respond to their experience of you, whether they are seeking deeper connection or if they give up on you quickly.
What you, and your sister, have identified, though, is some level of desire in you for something more lasting and a barrier of resistance to change of routine. There is no doubt that you can do something about these things as they are under your control. As you are already dating, see if you can take this to a deeper level. This would involve getting out of your comfort zone and seeing someone many times during the week, involving yourself in their life and being interested and curious about their experiences.
All of this is something you can action right now, but you will also need to break down your barriers to intimacy.
You have a comfort zone of emotional distance that allows you to have a compartmentalised life divided into predictable segments, but it does not provide you with fulfilment. Your sister says that you struggle with change, and it is possible that this desire for closeness is bringing this characteristic to the surface and the challenge is now to engage with this. Psychotherapy might be a process that can help you to identify all the causes of this blockage and help you to unravel its structure. This takes money and courage, but now might be the time to invest in yourself and your future. (See Irish Council for Psychotherapy or the Psychological Society of Ireland for lists of accredited and registered psychological supports.)
You say that you have not been dating Irish women (at least not recently), so this might be worth exploring. Either the desire is not strong (in your experience so far) or you might be blocking these encounters for fear of an expectation of intimacy. There is no substitute for experience, and getting actual real-life knowledge is called for so that you can make informed decisions. If you challenge yourself and your routines, if you engage in psychotherapy and get out of your comfort zone, your self-awareness and life will open up to new self-knowledge and then you can plan a future that will offer you fulfilment.
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You say you fell in love (or something close) when you were in secondary school. Often this happens to us as we have not yet built self-protective barriers to the possible rejection, or loss, which can happen with such close involvement. This tells us that to allow ourselves to fall in love again, we have to risk this vulnerability and open our souls to another human being, and this requires courage and faith.
You have seen this in the couples whose weddings you’ve been to, so you know it is possible and now you know the path for you to make this a possibility for yourself.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
