Everyone has disagreements with family members, sometimes ending in harsh words, hurtful comments and even the slamming of a door or the abrupt ending of a phone call. But what was once kept private (apart from griping to other family members or friends), in today’s world where oversharing seems to be mandatory, many people take to social media to air their grievances.
This seems to be the (often misguided) method of communication for the rich and famous, as many – including the Peltz Beckhams and the Sussexs – have not only shared their family feuds with the world, but, in doing so, caused potentially irreparable damage to the once-stable relationships.
After an argument with her sisters over “a number of family issues”, Helen discovered that other people had been given a version of events which made her “look like the villain, when in fact it was the opposite”.
“My mother died when I was a child and my dad brought up my siblings and me on his own,” she says. “It wasn’t easy for him as he had his own business and three children to take care of, but he did a good job. As the eldest, I did a lot of babysitting and stuff around the house.
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“My sisters and I got on really well when we were kids. As we got older, we sort of drifted apart, but they became closer and I would often feel like I had walked in on a conversation which ended abruptly.
“I brushed off those thoughts as we still saw each other at family events, but, as my sisters lived closer to each other, they naturally spent a lot more time together and were a bit of a unit. This was apparent whenever there was any family decisions to be made, as they always had the same idea about stuff and wouldn’t budge, even for something as small as what to get my dad for Christmas. It was a little hurtful not to be included, but I didn’t dwell on it.”
But things changed three years ago following the death of their father. Each daughter received a share of the estate, though the eldest was given an extra sum of money, as a thank you for taking care of her father during the last few years of his life. This did not go down well with her siblings and has caused a potentially long-lasting rift.
“My dad died three years ago and although we all got on when we saw each other, things changed when it came to the will,” she says. “I spent the best part of four years looking after our father when he became ill and needed care. Granted, I lived closer to him so it made more sense for me to be the one to take him to appointments, cook his meals and do his shopping.
[ There’s a whiff of ancient Rome about the Beckham family feudOpens in new window ]
“When he could no longer live on his own, he moved into my house, which I do not regret for a moment, but my sisters really did nothing to help, other than the occasional visit, or offering me advice on how they thought I should handle certain things.
“So, when my father passed away, he divided everything between us, but he left me a small sum of money, which was to cover all the time and expense of looking after him. I never expected to be paid for it and, unfortunately, it has caused so much trouble, because my sisters have taken huge offence at this and have implied, both to me and to wider family and friends, that I have somehow taken advantage of him. It has been heartbreaking for me.”
Helen, who is in her 40s, says she has made the decision to keep her sisters out of her life. “I helped to look after them when they were young and my dad when he was old and sick, but somehow I’m being painted as a villain because he left me a thank you gift,” she says.
“I’ve shed a lot of tears and had many a sleepless night over how I’ve been treated by them and what I’ve heard that they’ve said about me to others, but I have decided now that enough is enough. I believe that they feel guilty that they didn’t do more for our dad and it’s a case of ‘attack is the best form of defence’, so are taking their regret out on me.
“So, I’ve let them go. I no longer engage in spats on WhatsApp or take the bait when I hear something has been said about me. Instead, I’m concentrating on my own family now and friends, so if they want to wallow in anger and bitterness, that’s their own choice. Life is short, so I’ve moved on.”
Psychologist Malie Coyne says this is very important because holding on to bad feelings can be very damaging. “When things fester, particularly when they are active in our minds, it can be problematic,” she says.
“We can only see things from our own side of the story, but sometimes we need to bury the hatchet and while we don’t have to forget it, we should try to repair it. This can be done by going to counselling or talking to someone else, but not airing the problems publicly as once that happens, what you have said, can’t be taken back.
“Sometimes, we need to try and live our lives with renewed boundaries, maybe trying to see things from the other person’s perspective or figuring out what might be going on for them. It’s important not to dwell on bad feelings or a feud because it can really affect our wellbeing. But it’s very difficult when you’re in the eye of the storm, so you need to take some time to talk to someone about your pain and then try and look at the situation from another angle.”
Coyne says that if there is something sinister, abusive or harmful at the root of the falling out, then it is not advisable to try and seek reconciliation, particularly without outside intervention and it’s often best to keep your distance. But it can be therapeutic to try and move on from an argument or fallout, especially if it involves family.
“You don’t have to be best friends with them or even be in the same country, but repair is important for our nervous systems,” she says. “And time does help when it comes to seeing something from someone else’s perspective – repair is the fertile ground upon which healthy relationships are made.
“However, we don’t learn how to repair unless our parents repaired with one another and unless our grandparents did. And it is something which can be very difficult for many people who sweep a lot of stuff under the carpet, or who react in very volatile ways and get triggered. The fact is, we’re all an imperfect mess and have different views of situations – so it is good to be aware that family rifts are very normal.”
Fellow psychologist Peadar Maxwell says that “family disagreements and some level of conflict are perfectly normal and can be anticipated during times of stress or change”, but “family feuds are a whole other level of conflict that are best avoided”.
“If you have been through family conflict or there is a feud in your family, make sure to mind yourself and seek personal or professional support,” he says. “Emphasising self-care during stressful times is difficult, but essential. But it is important because it damages us more than anything else.
“If a relative is very difficult or unkind to you, or simply just irks you, you might decide to put down a boundary that they are unable to cross and focus on what you can control such as limiting or ceasing your exposure to that person. You have a right to be respected and to feel safe. If the situation is mild then you might be curious about why they react the way they do and develop some empathy for them.
“But keeping yourself safe and respected is your priority, not your relationship with a hurtful person.”
