Question
Our daughter is in sixth class in an all-girls school and has difficulty making friends there. She changed primary school at the start of fifth class when we moved area. Though she is a quiet girl, she had friendships, play dates, birthday parties, etc, in her previous school.
In her new school, which is much bigger, it has been more difficult. She did make one friend when she started, but then this fizzled out – we learned later that the other girl belonged to an established friendship group that didn’t welcome my daughter. This group is very sporty and they all play GAA together (which my girl never liked).
When we met the teacher last year she confirmed my daughter spent a lot of lunchtimes alone, which upset myself and my husband. Outside of school, she is having a little more positive experience -she has joined a local horse-riding club and has made friends there. There is also a girl in the neighbourhood who is a year older than her, but they have met a few times. Also, because of the move, we live near her cousin, who she loves meeting and they hang out nearly every weekend.
I am not sure what to do about school. I hate the thought of her being so alone there. Thankfully, she doesn’t seem to be hugely affected by all of this at the moment, but I am worried it will affect her confidence in the long term. For her sake, we would love for her to develop one or two real friendships there.
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Answer
Moving to another school and starting again to build friendships can be very challenging for children. This is especially the case for a child who might be more introverted or quieter or who might find it hard to reach out and make the first move socially. Friendship groups become established early on in primary school and often they become rigid and are not open to changing membership. There can be certain dynamics around friendship groups where they are built around popularity or participating in sport or other dominant interests. If your child has different interests or communicates differently then this might add to her isolation.
There are a number of things you can do to help.
Work with the school
The school has a particular responsibility to help your daughter settle and to feel a sense of belonging in the classroom. Arrange a meeting with the teacher to discuss your concerns and to seek her help for your daughter. The teacher should be able to describe the different friendship groups in the classroom and identify which children are outside these and which children might be more amenable to making friends with your daughter. The teacher could do a number of practical things that might help such as pairing your daughter with potential friends for learning projects that match her interests such as a history or an art project or doing a campaign for the school health week, etc.
Aside from sport, there may also be whole-school activities that match your daughter’s strengths. Whether this is participating in a choir or in a school quiz or debating team, participating could give her opportunities to make friends and build her confidence. In addition, if your daughter is alone at lunchtime, ask the teacher to assist with this. Lunch or yard time can be challenging for many children, and schools often provide structured options such as organised games or assign children jobs and so on to help them manage.
Support your daughter
Listen to your daughter carefully to understand how things are going for her on a daily basis in school. You should be able to get a sense of the different children in the school, who she might get on with, as well who might be attached to a friendship group and who might be more available. You can support connections with children such as reaching out to parents, facilitating one to one meetings etc. However, it is important to follow your daughter’s lead on this. Given her age, it might be best if your support is subtle and indirect so she is making her own decisions.
Do continue to support your daughter’s social activities out of school. It is great she has her horse riding, the contact with the neighbour and the weekly visits with her cousin. These are all great supports for her and will help build her confidence and wellbeing. While as parents we can have expectations that children will have peer friends from school, sometimes their main friendships and supports are outside school and may include family members.
If your daughter has fewer friends at the moment, your own relationship with her will be very important. When children are going through a hard time with friends, I often advise parents to be available to “be their child’s friend” for a period – this can compensate and help children get through a difficult time.
Your daughter will be starting secondary school soon. Things will change and move on – there will be new opportunities for her then.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is running a Parenting Teenagers course starting on April 14th. See solutiontalk.ie
