A Tiny Play for Ireland: ‘Somewhere’ by Mark Cantan

Last year ‘The Irish Times’ received 1,700 responses to its call for submissions to Fishamble’s Tiny Plays for Ireland. As the second production of the plays comes to a close, we print the opening play by Mark Cantan


Narrator: Somewhere in Ireland right now . . .

A baker gets the feeling he’s been written into the wrong genre.

A politician worries about offending homophobes.

A young woman is unsure whether to shake the hand of a priest.

A horticulturalist realises he’s been mispronouncing the word mispronunciation.

A young couple in a restaurant worry they might some day run out of things to say to each other like the old couple sitting across the room from them.

A man types his country as Ireland while ordering an Obama T-shirt from China.

An old couple in a restaurant enjoy playing a game where they sit in silence to freak out young couples sitting across the room from them.

A little girl sees a cow for the first time. She calls it “dada”.

A woman gets to grips with differentiation, 37 years too late for her exams.

A wedding service pauses for an ad break.

A cartographer mixes up east and west for the 657th time.

Two biologists touch eating holes.

On a ferry entering the harbour, a nine-year-old boy slaps the bald head of a man he has mistaken for his father.

The worshippers of a Bronze Age god run a schooling system.

A woman challenges her friend to read the news obituaries aloud without laughing.

A duck bobs.

Fond memories fill a man’s thoughts as his wife apologises for beans on toast for dinner.

A consultant stares at an X-ray wondering why they all look like dragons to him.

Taxi drivers march on government to protest the introduction of students’ fees.

A young woman wonders if things will ever change. A middle-aged woman wonders if things will ever be the same. An old woman wonders whose turn it is to deal.

For the first and only time a young man tries to speed up his morning routine by brushing his teeth while sitting on the toilet.

An actuary calculates the miniscule probability that she was ever born and promptly dies.

A High Court judge cringes at the memory of accidentally calling his sixth class teacher Miss Orgasm.

A 30-year-old shopper feels uncomfortable being called “sir” by a 60-year-old shop assistant.

A committee comes to a decision none of them is happy with.

A jockey lets his horse win this one.

The static electricity from the rubbing together of two hipster lovers’ woollen jumpers short circuits their Sodastream.

A young boy discovers what happens when you “pull someone’s finger”.

An old couple fall in love.

An egg is fertilised, and the little boy who planted it believes it will grow a chicken tree.

Misreading a recipe, a woman invents shepherd’s gratin.

A roadie promises to be faithful to his cheating wife.

A security guard plans a surprise funeral.

A man checks the bus timetable and then waits the same amount of time as he would have had he not checked it.

Seeing the red light a little too late, a man stops his car in the middle of a pedestrian crossing, blocking it.

A blind woman doesn’t realise she has a photographic memory.

A drunk man slurs an unintelligible list of the causes he’d give his life for.

A man wonders at the number of his female friends that sign off their texts with the pseudonym “x”.

Two campaigners see each other’s side of the argument.

A woman’s horoscope successfully predicts that she’ll keep reading her horoscopes.

A fight breaks out in a schoolyard over whose child is the strongest.

And a group of people wonder what could be happening somewhere in Ireland right now.

Ti ny Plays for Ireland 2 runs at the Project Arts Centre, Dublin today at 8pm and Saturday at 3pm and 8pm