You Had To Be There

Mary Hannigan's World Cup Speak ..."Don't forget, all this time those 24 oversized women are hanging from 30 and 40 metres above the stadium."- Jimmy Magee spots damsels in distress during the opening ceremony.

Keeping Things In Perspective

Canadian television presenter: "Craig, how will the Mexican goalkeeper approach this game, given what's happened to him this week?"

Craig Forrest: "Well, his father passed away on Thursday - he'll be disappointed with that."

Modest Ambitions

Reporter: "Would you like to leave England with an honorary knighthood?"

Sven: "I'd like to leave alive."

Seeing Red

"Get out of my face! You know nothing about football! Nothing! Don't break my balls, you ****ing idiots!"

- No, not Sven, Mexican coach Ricardo La Volpe after a slight difference of opinion with reporters.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers

"There's no room up my arse for the hair of a shrimp, never mind flowers."

- Spanish coach Luis Aragones, taking the offer of a bouquet of flowers as an insult to his virility.

Product Placement

"I eat healthy food because it's important to eat well. I have sex, although not much lately, and I sleep a lot. I don't smoke and I don't drink alcohol - though I do drink Coca-Cola, can I say that?"

- Italian captain Fabio Cannavaro.

Japanese Irregularities

"It's a bit like constipation. Your worries build up and you just need one moment to get rid of them, and hopefully the strikers can do that in Germany."

- Zico, the Japanese coach, hoping his forwards would soon unblock their passage to goal.

I Beg To Differ

Alan Shearer: "Gerrard's been awesome!"

Eamon Dunphy: "Gerrard's been anonymous!"

Most Homesick Pundit

Bill O'Herlihy: "John, you were there in Germany for the best part of a week, extraordinary collection of people from all over the world, a great atmosphere?"

John Giles: "Was it only a week, Bill?"

On The Right Track

"Our house is in order, we just need to buy more furniture."

- A wardrobe here, a table there and Paraguay coach Anibal Ruiz reckons his team will be ready to conquer the world.

Tributes to Crouch

"A giraffe."

- Bild am Sonntag

"A big stork (maybe with avian flu) called Peter Crouch, whose football sounds as bad as his name and whose photos can't be published even in a family scrapbook."

- La Repubblica

"A two-metre asparagus"

- El Pais

"The only player I have seen like Crouch before is in the NBA"

- Paraguay's Roque Santa Cruz.

German Stereotypes

"Dear me, she is chubby! Arms, bust, bum, all very British. Joanne is the sort of girl who drinks sangria on the beach in Majorca. And then dances on a table with her top off."

- Bild welcomes David Beckham's sister, Joanne, to the World Cup.

Female Diversions

"England, the home of football, should be grateful that the WAGs (wives and girlfriends), anorexics addicted to shopping with hollow, lobotomised heads, are in Germany, there to detract attention from their team's poor football skills."

- Brazil's Gazeta Esportiva.

It's All Greek To Tel

"They might do a Greece. Like Greece did."

- Terry Butcher leaves BBC Radio listeners befuddled.

Samba Spice

"If Brazil are the best team in the World Cup then I am Geri Halliwell."

- Elton John, as it turned out, is no Ginger Spice.

Pulling Punches - Not

"They're a football team without a brain. I'm not saying they're brainless as such, but there is no brain."

- Eamon Dunphy on England.

Tempting Fate

"It looks like England have beaten Sweden for the first time in 38 years."

- Clive Tyldesley . . . mere seconds before Sweden equalised.

Some Of My Best Friends Are . . .

"I have black, Gypsy and Japanese friends, including one whose job is to determine the sex of poultry."

- Spanish coach Luis Aragones.

The Garth and Sven Show

"It's the first time I've seen sex between two men on the BBC."

- Eamon Dunphy after watching Crooks and Eriksson get cosy in a post-match interview.

Simple Observation

Reporter: "Why are there no South American teams in the semi-finals?"

Carlos Alberto Parreira: "Because Argentina lost to Germany and we lost to France."

Ian Wrong Wrong Wrong

"I just believe that we, whatever way we play, should beat Portugal quite comfortably, I'm quite confident about that."

- Ian Wright Wright Wright.

Little Sympathy

"When it comes to taking penalties England are the world's idiots."

- Bild am Sonntag.

Scouse Sweethearts

"I haven't seen Wayne, but when I see him I will give him a big hug because he is my team-mate and he is getting no blame from me because I love him."

- Steven Gerrard.

You Cannot Be Serious?

"Of the four teams in the semi-finals, there wouldn't be too many players you'd take and put in the England side."

- Who said Alan Shearer had no sense of humour?

Third Person Of The Tournament

"It's not Gary Neville's right to retire from international football."

- Eh, Gary Neville.