Tel has a laugh as Marcel talks Latin

Mary Hannigan World Cup TV ViewDo we have a dodgy tube in our telly or is Terry Venables turning in to Barbara Windsor? Accent, laugh, sense of humour, they're indistinguishable now. For example:

Ruud Gullit: "Hiddink's lucky, he has a horseshoe as big as my house."

Tel: "As big as your wha? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Jim Rosenthal: "He said house!"

Tel: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" And he laughs so hard he forgets to breathe, and nearly passes out.

Anyway, there was a right Carry On in the ITV studio yesterday, which, incidentally, would appear to be the smallest World Cup studio in the history of World Cup studios: RTÉ's Gatecrasher gang have more room in the camper van of theirs. If the channel still employed Big Ron Atkinson, the only way they'd fit him in there when Big Sam Allardyce is on duty is if they sat him in the Bolton's boss's lap.

ITV began their build-up to the day's opening game by showing us "the first in a mini-series celebrating 1966", as Jim, the world's smiliest man, told us. We couldn't quite recall what happened back then, until we remembered the ad: "1966 was a great year for English football, Eric Cantona was born".

"I love seeing them nostalgic pieces, brilliant, you never tire of looking at stuff like that, it's always great," said Andy Townsend, while Gullit silently asked himself quite what the relevance of 1966 was to the Australia v Japan game.

Just time for an update from Gabriel Clarke on Wayne Rooney who, apparently, is recovering from injury. Gabriel told us he's doing fine, which is more than can be said for Theo Walcott, injured in training on Sunday. "Injured by Wayne Rooney," said Gabriel. Do you get the feeling Wayne wants to play in this World Cup?

Back to Australia v Japan. Inflatable kangaroos? The Japanese and their funny ways, eh? If there are Aussies out there who angrily switched off their tellies with six minutes to go, we offer our commiserations. As Clive Tyldesley suggested, "If you live next door to Australians back home, go to your mum's tonight".

Can it be a mere four years since Tim "Cay-hill" was hoping to play for ourselves and his Irish granddad in the World Cup, but was hampered by the fact he'd pulled on the Western Samoa shirt when he was 14? Four years it is. If he hadn't won his legal battle to later declare for Australia he could be sitting at home now watching the World Cup on his telly. But we all make mistakes.

The Czech Republic v US. We're warming to the BBC's very own Brazilian pundit, Leonardo. Or Leo, as they call him.

Leo on Tomas Rosicky: "He's a big personality". Leo on Roy Keane: "He's a big personality". Leo on John Travolta (you had to be there): "He's a very important personality".

Leo, then, has lots of personality, a feature absent from the display of the US.

Italy v Ghana. "Hello everybody," said Marcel Desailly, introducing himself to the viewers on his BBC debut. Hello Marcel.

"Hello again, Marcel," said Martin O'Neill, who reminded the Frenchman he'd tried to sign him for Celtic when he left Chelsea. "You said 'It's not about the money', but when I made you an offer you said, 'I'm not going for that much!'."

"Zat's true," Marcel giggled, not admitting his real worry was the prospect of partnering Bobo Balde.

Marcel was a handy man to have on duty when the topic of corruption in Italian football raised its ugly head. "Deez Latin people, zey like to be involved in tricky things," he said.

Cripes, if Big Ron said that he'd be sacked.