Rooney factor leaves the pundits raving

TV View: England v Croatia . . . six minutes: 0-1; 68 minutes: 3-1; 74 minutes: 3-2; 79 ... minutes: 4-2 . . . look, they might be our bothersome neighbours but you have to hand it to them: there's never a dull moment. And you'd very nearly, almost, sort of, forgive them Robert Kilroy-Silk and all those historical transgressions for producing Wayne "Roo" Rooney.

Who, of course, is Irish, but ourselves and Brian Kerr aren't at all embittered - we, after all, have Gary Doherty. Be afraid.

Not since the Age of Diego (AD) has this couch's occupant set aside the cheesy puffs to applaud a lad off the pitch. And if Forlan was God-like that day at Anfield the other Diego, Maradona, wasn't half bad either, in his pre "four Big Macs, treble fries plus two ice creams and another Big Mac please, with a suspicious-looking white powdery substance on the side" days.

"I think he's one of the greatest footballers I've ever seen, since Pele," said Eamon Dunphy, and for once we didn't lob cheesy puffs at the screen. For once - a first - we said: cripes, fair point Eamo.

True, Eamon had forecast a Croatia win ("and the England soap opera is going to come to an end"). True, Liamo Brady had agreed with him. (Honest). But Johnny Giles had opted for England, convinced, was he, by the "Rooney factor".

Gilesie, incidentally, was back from Portugal, tan-less, it should be noted, proof he'd slogged his guts out while he was there. Ray Houghton replaced him in the co-commentary seat alongside George Hamilton, his earlier-in-Euro-2004 observation that "defensively, they're on the defensive" clinching him the gig. Billo Herlihy was hoping for some juicy Portuguese gossip.

"Did you meet Posh Spice," he asked Gilesie. "No Bill," said Gilesie, "and I've no great wish to."

Over on the BBC Gary Lineker was explaining the evening's permutations. Draws would do England and France, Croatia need to win (a draw would put them out), but if England, France and Switzerland ended up on four points the two teams with the best goal difference would go through. But if England drew, a win by three clear goals would put Switzerland through. It was clear then: Barbados had to beat Yemen 9-2.

On the BBC: John "the goals made such a difference to the way this game went" Motson and Joe "if it had gone in, it would have been a goal" Royle. Motty is probably the only man on earth who takes being called a sheepskin-wearing statto of an anorak as a compliment. "We reckon there are 40,000 England fans inside the ground, it holds 65,000 and the temperature is 27 degrees centigrade," he told us.

And then he made mention of a game in 1947 which he felt might have some bearing on last night's proceedings. "Since we're in Lisbon it might just be a good omen for David Beckham and his team to remind ourselves what happened the first time England played in this city . . . it was the first season after the war. Tommy Lawton scored in 17 seconds for and England won 10-0. Well they don't have to go crazy tonight, a draw will be enough." Motty, evidently, doesn't "do" relevance.

Six minutes later Croatia had scored and Motty scribbled a note beside Tommy Lawton's name ("do not ever ever ever mention again as a possible good omen").

But Paul Scholes equalised, his first goal since that famous night in Lisbon 57 years before, when Stan Mortensen set him up.

And then several noughts were added to Rooooooney's price tag. Cripes, at this rate Roman Abramovich might even have to take out a loan with the Credit Union.

"Never mind the goal," said Hansen, "the header he gave to Scholes for the first goal was one of the finest headers I've ever seen". "I hope he doesn't become a new Gascoigne," fretted Bill, back on RTÉ.

Second half. Croatia played their ace card. They brought on a sub who plays for Portsmouth. With that we packed our red and white chequered jerseys and said goodnight. Rooney. Again. Croatia back in it. Croatia back out of it: Frank Lampard.

"He wants to stay up north," said Bill of all the transfer speculation. "Well, there's only one club he can go to, then: Manchester City," said Liamo, cracking a joke. Honest! "At this rate he's going to overwhelm even David Beckham," said Bill.

"With a bit of luck," sighed Gilesie.