Punditry - you just never know whatcha gonna git

TV View: Not, perhaps, since young Forrest told us that "life is like a box-a-choc-lits, you never know whatcha gonna git" has this couch heard anything so profound. "Football is like a ping pong ball: you win on a Saturday and you sort of celebrate, three days later you lose and you're sort of depressed," George 'Gump' Graham declared.

"I've not heard that analogy before, but it makes a lot of sense," lied Marcus Buckland, Sky's pay-per-view presenter.

George beamed. Nostrils flared, lips pursed, he nodded sagely, like he was almost overcome by his own profundity.

We mention this only in passing, partly because it fills a gap, but mainly because it was sort of the theme of the week in our sporting telly viewing.

That is, people attempting to avoid the run of the mill in their punditry pronouncements, but ending up not making a great deal of sense.

Or, worse, saying something so daft even Ron Atkinson might have flinched.

Well, maybe not.

Terry Venables, we're certain, meant no harm. We're sure that he never intended comparing a poor 45 minutes by a Norwegian soccer team to the fate of six million Jews during the second World War, but before stating that "Rosenborg had a holocaust of a first half" on ITV last Tuesday his mouth should probably have had a chat with his brain.

Tel would probably just say it's easy to make a mistake, which it is, especially if you're Phil "Slim" Cooper, star of Channel Four's Touts on Tour.

"I ****ing hate the Welsh, hate 'em with a vengeance," he said when he spotted a bunch of Welsh supporters wearing berets outside the stadium where England were about to play France in last year's rugby World Cup semi-final.

"They've never wanted to be part of the union," said Phil, "Celts, ain't they, at the end of the day. Not English, not Scottish - Celts. **** 'em."

Those of us who half thought the Scots were Celts were firmly put in our place, and those of us who thought Australians were very nice people were too.

"They're very unintelligent, ain't they," said Phil when one of them attempted to buy a World Cup ticket from him for less than face value. "All descended from the filth we got rid of."

Phil, a kind of an 'orrible Del Boy, had travelled to Australia hoping to make a killing selling World Cup tickets for well above face value to desperate English rugby fans.

But then he discovered almost all of them had bought tickets before they left England, so he was left high and dry.

This experience left him hating rugby even more than he did before.

"Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me hoooooooome," sang the England supporters around him.

"SHUT THE **** UP," screamed Phil, before heading home, having barely broken even.

You'd never, of course, hear RTÉ's rugby panel use language of that vulgarity, although Brent Pope did use the word "sexy" in connection with "George Hook" when attempting to explain why the channel's rugby coverage had got such whopping ratings through the year. (Corrections and Clarifications: we are insinuating that the word "sexy" is vulgar, not the words "George" and "Hook").

There were many entertaining moments in this game, but none quite matched the compelling viewing that was the consultation between the referee and linesman when all hell broke loose late on.

Linesman: "Three red and five red on the ground, repeatedly exchanging blows." Referee: "Three blue? Three blue?" Linesman: "No, it was three red and five blue." Referee: "Three red and five blue?" Linesman: "Yes, that's what I could see from my position." Referee: "I have three blue." Linesman: "Right." As Ryle Nugent put it, "it's turning in to a comedy over there".

Anyway, having confidently predicted pre-match that Munster "won't get out of jail today", George was in a bit of a mood. In fairness, Tom McGurk tried to comfort him by saying: "He's getting annoyed because he was wrong again."

"What are you getting for Christmas George," Tom asked Humbug Hook, as Pope called him, by now resplendent in a Santa hat that, he admitted himself, was five times too small for him.

"I'm getting the George Hook DVD, for myself," said George Hook. Tom accused him of a shameless plug. Too right.

Meanwhile, in the background, Thomond Park rocked to the sounds of Band Aid.

Which got us thinking. Feed George Hook, let him know it's Christmas time.

The DVD is available at all good DVD stores near you.