Predict a Switzerland win? You must live in Cloud Cuckoo land

ON THE COUCH:Panels are left with cheese, the one with large holes in it, on their faces after Swiss win, writes MARY HANNIGAN

RIGHT THEN, we’ve seen all 32 teams, what have we learnt? Possibly that there are no easy games in international football, except when you’re up against Australia. Although, considering they clobbered us 3-0 in Thomond Park we’re not in a position to mockeroo the Shockeroos.

What we now know more than anything is that we know nothing – Switzerland’s slaying of Spain yesterday confirming those worst suspicions. Alan Shearer spoke for us when he asked: “What do we know about football? Stupid game, this is.” How true.

We should, of course, have sensed there’d be trouble ahead for the European champions when Gary Lineker could barely contain the chuckles when discussing Swiss hopes of an upset, having spent 20 minutes drooling all over Spain.

“But we should mention who they are playing today, there are two teams on the pitch, the other is Switzerland,” he grinned. “The last time they won an opening game was back in 1954 – and I think we may well be using that stat again in four years time.”

“Ha, ha, ha,” said Shearer, Lee Dixon and Clarence Seedorf, their shoulders vibrating with mirth at the mere cloud cuckoo land notion of the Swiss cheesing off the Spanish and yodelling all the way back to base camp with three points in their mountain bike baskets.

“We can’t expect too much from them,” said Gary, “they’re workmanlike though, aren’t they?”

“Workmanlike”, incidentally, is a bit like “technically gifted” – it’s code for “other than (insert name of striker who is moderately successful with a mid-table La Liga team or an accident-prone defender who briefly played for, say, Bolton in the Premier League) I actually wouldn’t know this lot from a pair of Brunei Darussalam synchronised swimmers”.

Clarence agreed wholeheartedly with Gary, conceding that the Swiss were organised, “but I don’t expect Spain to have any problems with them – seriously”.

Done and dusted, then, before a ball was even kicked.

Teams in the tunnel. Torres and Fabregas on the bench. Spoiled rotten.

The BBC’s Jonathan Pearce attempted to dampen Spanish expectations. “For 500 years the Spanish searched for El Dorado, the fabled city of gold, will they find it on July 11th in Soccer City, Johannesburg, a city called eGoli, the place of gold in the native language,” said he. Mick McCarthy was sitting beside him, so we held our breath for fear he’d say “if you didn’t Wikipedia that I’ll put my backside in the bacon slicer”.

No goals in the first half, but it didn’t dampen the Viva Espana sing-song in the BBC studio. “We saw some breathtaking Spanish-type football from Spain,” Gary observed.

“Ah, it’s been like a training ground exercise for them,” said Shearer.

“I think it’s just a matter of time before the goal comes,” said Lee.

“And if one comes I fear it could be three or four,” Shearer added, gravely.

“Del Bosque looks relaxed,” said Gary.

“And so he should be,” said Shearer.

Over on RTÉ the theme was, well, awful close to being identical. “The Swiss don’t pose much of a threat to the Spanish defence,” said Didi Hamman.

“Spain know there’s no real threat . . . it’s only a matter of time,” said Eamon Dunphy.

Darragh Maloney tried manfully to insert a “but” in the conversation, but his panel was having none of it.

“They won’t panic, the chances will come and the goals will come,” Didi reassured him.

Second half. Holy smoley. “They’ve come a long way with their cow bells,” said Pearce of the celebrating Swiss.

“Well, would you believe it,” asked Gary, while his panel busily studied the studio floor.

“That was one of the bankers of the World Cup, wasn’t it? Where do you go now,” asked Shearer. Some might cruelly suggest the dole office, but hands up how many of you forecast a Swiss triumph? Liars.

Clarence tried to explain where the Spanish had gone wrong, insisting “the way they were trying to get to the goal was not proper”, while back home Dunphy put it down to their concession of a “cheap” goal – one that proved rather costly – and a rubbish defence.

“Ramos is crazy actually, he shouldn’t be allowed on a football pitch, either end of it, he’s a nightmare footballer, he’s loco the guy, it’s no secret, the boy is a liability.”

If Ramos ever finds that clip on YouTube he’ll feel a bit aggrieved.

But it’s nothing compared to the abuse poor old Fabio Capello has been receiving. Some of his critics have actually alleged the man doesn’t know what day of the week it is.

Gabby Logan tracked Fabio down for a quick chat on the BBC last night. Your team for the Algeria game?

“Barry will play tomorrow. No, Friday. Tomorrow is Thursday. Ha ha.” Uh oh.