Planet Football

Robbie Keane, eh? It was only yesterday morning when we were telling anyone who would listen (i.e. our reflection in the mirror) that he just doesn't score enough goals. Hardly had we finished our sermon when White Hart Lane was saluting his hat-trick - and a damned classy one it was too - against Everton, making it 10 goals in 20 starts this season. Which, by our calculations is, well, a very reasonable ratio of goals-per-games for a forward who just doesn't score enough goals.

Away from home

It completed a fine week for Planet Football. After suggesting that Richard Dunne  was still a bit too chubby Kev Keegan announced that "Dunnie" would play against Leeds United "providing he hasn't lost any more weight", hinting that he had become the Kate Moss of Premier Division centre-halves.

And? Skinny Dunnie played against Leeds, Manchester City won, and he, by the looks of him, celebrated by sipping celery stick juice.

And? Keith O'Neill. Never, we declared, will we get a chance to mention the words "Keith", "O", "Neill" and "fit" in the same sentence, but then we read on Coventry's website that "Keith O'Neill is fit again and ready to return to action with the reserves". This after he broke his hand hitting a punchball in a "test your strength game", around the same time he was recuperating from a broken left leg and a fractured right foot.

The final straw? Last week we hailed Galwegian Mark Rossiter for breaking into the Sunderland team. Then? He injured his knee ligaments in the FA Cup game against Bolton, could be about for a month, and could be ruled out of Brian Kerr's squad for the pre-World Cup under-20 tournament in Abu Dhabi (January 20-24th). The moral of the story? Say nothing. Ever again.

Stable relationship

You could, perhaps, say that Sao Jose player Antunes had a 'mare on his wedding night. Almost literally, in fact. The Brazilian, as reported by Ananova, was spending "the first night of the rest of his life" with his beloved bride Mariluce when his mare, Juju, stormed in to the bedroom and attacked Mariluce, kicking and biting her to the point where she ended up in hospital with a broken leg and sundry nibbled body parts.

Mariluce, by all accounts, insisted on the unruly Juju being put down but Antunes, priorities perfectly balanced, said "no chance", or words to that effect, and simply opted to send the horse to live with his brother on a nearby farm. "It was nothing but a jealousy fit," Antunes explained. Who, though, we ask, was the jealous party? Juju or Mariluce?

Cadete back on song

Remember? "There's only one Jorge Cadete, he puts the ball in the netty - he's Portuguese, he scores with ease, walking in a Celtic Wonderland." But, after scoring 33 goals in the 1996-97 season Cadete went AWOL, blaming depression, hepatitis A and "a woman problem" for his failure to return to Glasgow.

Now 34, the man who inspired Diego Forlan's hair-do is retired from the game, but since his appearance on Portugal's celebrity Big Brother late last year he's a mega star in his own country, despite being evicted before the €50,000 prize was dished out.

Every cloud, though. According to the Scottish Daily Record Jorge found love on Big Brother, opting to ditch his second wife (the one who thought Glasgow was a kip), replacing her with fellow contestant, popster Nicole.

Now? Jorge, who owns 100 exotic birds (one of them named after former Celtic chairman Fergus McCann), is planning on moving to England to launch the pop career of Nicole who, he says, is the new Kylie Minogue. Celtic fans, meanwhile, just can't get Jorge outta their heads. La, la, la - la, la, la, la.

Quotes of the week

"I don't think Lee Bowyer is racist at all, I think he would stamp on anybody's head." - Sky Sports' Rodney Marsh.

"He will help West Ham immensely because he is an excellent boy in every sense of the word." - David O'Leary jests during his character reference for Bowyer.

"I have trophies, but what are these things compared to giving birth? When I see a woman pregnant I think, 'she knows something I will never know about'. We men will never know what it is to be a woman." - Arsenal's Thierry Henry gets broody.

"We performed very well, but in the first action for them they scored. In our best moment they scored two goals. That could kill a bull, as we say in Italy." - Football 365 unearths another Claudio Ranieri (above) programme notes gem.

"You felt this was the sort of game that needed a goal to break the deadlock." - BBC Radio 5 Live's Ron Jones (Private Eye)

"SunSport can exclusively reveal that Patrick Vieira is nicknamed the Giant Sausage (La Grande Saucisse)." - To which we say: thanks for that, SunSport. Lovely.

Hadn't the foggiest

It hasn't been the greatest of seasons for Stocksbridge Park Steels ("proudly sponsored by John Crawshaw Quality Butchers") in the English UniBond First Division, languishing, as they do, fourth from bottom. Little wonder, then, that their goalkeeper Richard Siddall was well impressed when he didn't see any action for a 10-minute spell in their game against Witton Albion, taking it that his team-mates had their opponents pinned back in to their own half.

"Wey hey," Siddall very probably said to the Stocksbridge supporters (Sid and Archie) gathered behind his goal. But? The game had been abandoned 10 minutes before, due to fog, but nobody had the manners to inform Siddall (or Sid and Archie). According to Ananova, "the penny only dropped for Richard when a fan leaving the ground told him the game had already been called off - 10 minutes earlier."

"I didn't have a clue," he said, "I just stood there waiting for a player to come through the mist." Bless.

More quotes of the week

"One-nil is not a winning score, by any means." - BBC Radio Derby commentator Ian Hall (Private Eye)

"I like to sign players with stable backgrounds." - Glenn Roeder explains his transfer policy, before signing Lee Bowyer. Riiiiight.

"We have to stop these tournaments with no interest and in which players don't want to play. Germany, Italy and Spain all refused to play in this Mickey Mouse cup. But France will play New Zealand - and that's really exciting." - Arsene Wenger, breathlessly anticipating the Confederations Cup.

"I don't think it is unfair to say that we are playing the more attractive football out of the two teams at the moment." - Lee Hendrie ( note: he plays for Aston Villa) puts the final nail in Liverpool's coffin.

"I was invited to appear on the Kilroy show. The subject was gambling addicts. What it had to do with me, I'm not sure. I declined and spent the day at Sandown races.' - QPR legend Stan Bowles (Sunday Times).

Old dog for the hard road

So, you think the business of putting together stats for Republic of Ireland-qualified-players-abroad is a doddle, eh? Even when two players of the same name play for the same club, and one is eligible to play for the Republic and the other most probably isn't?

Like? Rushden and Diamonds' pair, David Bell and his cousin David Bell. One is an Irish youth international who hails from Buncrana, the other is his English-born cousin. All we had to go on was the fact that the English-born David was marginally older than the Donegal man. So, where better to check our facts than the rushdenanddiamonds-mad.co.uk website? David I: born "May 13th, 1985". David II: born "December 24th 1909". Okay. So the English-born David was 93 on Christmas Eve? Well, you know what they say: you can never beat experience.