Norn Iron singing, Dunphy hands wringing and Cats just grinning

TV VIEW:OVER ON BBC Northern Ireland the crowd they tracked down in a Belfast bar were singing "We're all going to Cape Town, we're all going to Cape Town, la, la, la" after their draw with Poland, but back in Montrose there was divil a sign of a sing-song.

And that was after a win.

“Mission accomplished,” Bill O’Herlihy had exuberantly declared at full-time, but, if you recall, “Mission accomplished” was the banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln under which George Bush stood when he declared the Iraq war had been won. In 2003.

The analogy, you have to admit, is a worry.

True, Ireland won the battle of Nicosia in the end, but whether they’ll end up winning the Group Eight war remains to be seen, the quality of their performance against Cyprus leaving Bill’s panel to conclude we could be stuck in the trenches for many a year to come.

“I’m sick and tired of this notion that we should be worried about Cyprus,” Bill had said before the game.

“Yeah,” agreed Johnny Giles.

“Why should we fear them tonight?” asked Bill.

“Who’s fearing them?” asked Gilesie.

“Me,” Bill almost said, but didn’t.

Half-time.

“What is it about Ireland,” asked Bill, his innate buoyancy giving way to despair.

“Well . . .” said Gilesie.

“It’s actually depressing, isn’t it?” said Bill.

“It’s not enjoyable to watch, no,” agreed Gilesie.

Eamon Dunphy reckoned it was all “completely bankrupt, from a football point of view”, but, as luck would have it, the Nama of Irish football, Robbie Keane, bailed us out again.

Bill’s hopes were, then, afloat again, until he surveyed the faces of his panel at full-time. If he had any plans to ask them to join him in a rendition of “We’re all going to Cape Town, la la la” – which, admittedly, would be a bummer if our group games were in Bloemfontein – he abandoned them sharpish.

“The performance was depressing, it exposed the limitations of the coach’s philosophy,” said Dunphy. “He thinks the best way to upset the opposition is to throw Hunt at them like a bomb.”

The chief concern, though, was how John O’Shea repeatedly hoofed the ball up to the Cypriot defence, not so much as an explosive device, more as a gift-wrapped pressie.

“Look – WOOOOF,” said Dunphy as he studied the footage.

“WHISSSH,” said Bill.

“WOOOOF,” Dunphy corrected him.

Whether it was woooof or whisssh, the fact was Ireland had played football that was less than total.

Tony O’Donoghue tried to get Giovanni Trapattoni to explain where it had all gone wrong (well, apart from the result). “I think a little bit warm and also a little bit angst, afraid to result,” he said, which prompted Gilesie to concede back in the studio that the manager’s English was “much better” than that of the panel.

And true, results and performances should matter most, but any manager who can liken Stephen Ireland to a hedgehog and Richard Dunne to a wardrobe deserves, in our book, a new contract, regardless of nights like Saturday when his players reminded us of that old Dave Jones’ quote about Carlton Palmer: “He covers every blade of grass – but that’s only because his first touch is crap”.

Anyway, Bill, said goodnight, but not before inviting us to join him and the panel on their Web Only World Cup Extra, which Gilesie probably thought was a sequel to the Spiderman movie.

“Helloooo,” said Bill on the interweb, before telling his panel that one of the viewers who submitted a question suggested that they were all way too negative, considering Ireland had won.

“What do you expect us to do? Turn our brains off and do Strictly Come Dancing?” said Dunphy, which led to a heated debate among Dunphy, Gilesie and Graeme Souness about the merits – or otherwise – of being a Strictly Come Dancing contestant. The conclusion, in short, was that Dunphy and Souness were well up for it, but Gilesie would only contribute a tune to the show after a barrel-load of Bacardi and Cokes. So Bill said goodnight, sensing his panel weren’t taking this interweb business seriously.

Kilkenny, in contrast, took their four-in-a-row-winning business tremendously seriously, and, we’re guessing, tested negative, to a man, for Bacardi and Coke after yesterday’s All-Ireland final.

Granted, there was the sending-off and a penalty that might not have been, but by the time Brian Cody spoke to Marty Morrissey at full-time there was divil a mention of “a little bit angst, afraid to result”. Kilkenny result, it’s a habit of theirs.

Their supporters hurdled those “Please keep off the grass” signs as they made their way on to the pitch, as Cyril Farrell put it back in the studio, “Ah, Jesus, it’s a tradition of ours”. Mission accomplished. They won the battle and the war, the good ship Kilkenny sails on, divil a wave to make the sea choppy.

As Gilesie might croon, after a Bacardi and Coke or three, “Black and Amber sails in the sunset, way out on the sea, oh, carry Liam MacCarthy, home safely to me”. He’s on his way. Again.