Nasty initial reaction

Planet Football: To the 967,000 of you who sent this jersey to your Manchester United-supporting buddies last Thursday: Stop - now. Here it is, one last time. And let that be an end to it.

(The same applies to: "I heard a rumour that Uefa are going to forgo tradition this year and have a third/fourth place play-off for the Champions League - apparently it's going to be held in Wembley on May 19th." Enough.)

Quotes of the week

"I can see where the referee was getting confused - he does look like so many of my players."

- Steve Coppell after mascot Kingsley was ordered from the touchline because the officials were confusing him with Reading players. Indeed, he's the spit of Kevin Doyle and Stephen Hunt.

"There is no way I would want to buy City. Why would I want to give every penny I have earned to some horrible little chav footballer so he can buy his wife dresses to wear at Aintree? I would rather p*** it up the wall."

- As the takeover battle for Manchester City hots up Noel Gallagher, he of Oasis fame, vows to keep his wallet in his back pocket.

"I am disfigured; my left eye has been affected. I believe he put his fingers in my eyes. When I woke up this morning I looked at myself in the mirror with my face all swollen up and I looked like the Elephant Man."

- Speaking of City - Ousmane Dabo reflects on just another day's training with Joey Barton.

"Ronaldo: Rabbit-like opposite the roars of Gattuso."

- At this rate the man from La Gazzetta dello Sport, who gave Ronaldo four out of 10 for his display against AC Milan, will be eligible for a job on the RTÉ panel.

"The Quakers (Darlington) are likely to be without Greg Blundell tomorrow as the striker struggles with a dead calf."

- As spotted in the Northern Echoby a BBC website contributor. Once his struggles ended Greg, presumably, dined on veal for the week.

Song of the week

"Wise, Wise, whatever have you done? You've taken Leeds to Division One. You won't win a cup, you won't win a shield, your biggest game will be Huddersfield."

- In their greatest hour of need Leeds are offered support and comfort by their Yorkshire neighbours Barnsley.

A love extreme

While most Liverpool supporters might have been celebrating last week's conquest of Chelsea with a cup of tea or a glass of bubbly, cartoonist and illustrator supreme Sean Lennon was moved to start sketching. But ever since he kindly sent us his splendid homage to Rafa we've been, somewhat disturbingly, humming "Benitez Adoremus." And it's not even Christmas. Thanks Sean. Enjoy Athens. But not too much.

Jose and friends

"Liverpool should be the favourite because in the year of 2007 we have played 27 matches and they have played three or four."

- Jose Mourinho (point of information: before Tuesday Liverpool had played . . . 22 games since the turn of the year).

"If you're not a big club, you choose one competition and you fight in that competition and forget the others. Big clubs? We cannot do this."

- Jose again, this time sending hugs and kisses to the minnows of Anfield.

"We were stronger physically and mentally than them. We were the only team trying to win. But history will not remember that we were the best team by far (in the first leg), the best team tonight, the best team in extra-time."

- Jose yet again, this time graciously accepting Chelsea's elimination from the Champions League.

"I guess when you've invested £500 million it's a fantastic season to win the League Cup."

- Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry sends hugs and kisses back to Stamford Bridge.

"I think he was a bit disrespectful calling us a little club. But hey, two Champions League finals in three years? Not bad for a little club."

- Steven Gerrard dissects Jose with a pinpoint pass.

Big occasion, big ball

Adidas unveiled its ball for the Champions League final last week and, as we suspected, it features, among other innovations, "+Teamgeist technology", a new "carcass construction" and "thermal bonding technology".

All of which means it will be the most perfectly spherical football ever and will provide the players of Liverpool and AC Milan "with more precision and control" - particularly welcome news, you might say, for Boudewijn Zenden.

One thing more we want to know, though. Is it the biggest football in the history of the world, or is that just a very small man?

Yet more quotes of the week

"A kid made some statements and was not showing maturity and respect. Maybe it's about education, a difficult childhood, no education - it is a consequence of that."

- Jose Mourinho after Cristiano Ronaldo took him on in their "you're a liar"/"no I'm not" war of words.

"That is below the belt, in fact it is very below the belt. To bring class into it is totally wrong. There are people from very poor backgrounds who have principles, whereas there are some people who are educated but have no principles at all - and that, without question, is the case here."

- Alex Ferguson stands up for Ronaldo, and decks Jose in the process.

"I have to finally tell Rafa I'm leaving . . . I will remember Liverpool fondly as a success but not the situation I've found myself in. When a player knows he is a slave, he'll never give his employer his heart."

- Liverpool's Jerzy Dudek vows to leave Anfield, and will do so crying, "Free at last! Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"

"If I have been sent off for looking like a strange wee man, then I can't appeal against that. If he has sent me to the stand because I'm only 5ft 5in, then I can't argue with that . . . but until I find out what he sent me to the stand for, then it has to be a problem."

- Gordon Strachan, perplexed as to why he was sent to the stands during Celtic's game against Hearts.

"Craig Beattie's an important player for us. He's quick, he's very fast, and he's got great pace."

- Scotland manager Alex McLeish on the Celtic man's three main attributes: speed, speed and speed.