Much abused Germans have the final say

TV VIEW: He wasn't denying it was a surprise that they'd reached the World Cup semi-finals, Des Lynam was simply reminding us that stranger things have happened. "Pigs have flown and cows have jumped over the moon," he told us.

Still, it was hard to fathom how they'd reached the last four, making a mockery of the formbook and pundits alike, all along the way. This German team, of all German teams, in the semi-finals? Unreal.

It was only then that it became apparent Des had actually been referring to South Korea, but next to the unanticipated progress of Rudi Völler's oft-pilloried team South Korea's heroics could be filed under "as expected".

"Against America they rode their luck," Bobby Robson told Des. Des nodded. "They should have gone out to the USA," Bobby continued, leaving Des unsure as to whether Bobby believed these were two distinct teams.

Over on RTÉ, Liamo Brady spoke about how much he had enjoyed watching Germany so far. "Poor so far and very, very lucky. And rather boring," he said, eyelids drooping at the prospect of having to watch another 90 minutes of them.

By now the audience was beginning to feel for the unloved Germans. Or rather, the efficiently unloved Germans. "It will be a day that the German machine will not fail, efficiency will dominate enthusiasm," said Bobby.

Ally McCoist agreed. "Say what you like about them, but they're really, really efficient." "Sooo efficient," said Ron Atkinson in his commentary. "Terrific efficiency," said Bobby later.

"Lads," said the audience, "would you try a new description for the Germans, like: 'pretty darn good at what they do'?"

Over to Seoul. FIFA president Sepp Blatter said hello to the two teams and had a quick word with the linesmen ("remember lads: if the attacker is level with the last defender when the ball is released he is onside, okay? So keep yer flags down - and if the ball doesn't go out of play that means it is still in play, got that?")

Match time. Eighth minute, yet another Oliver Kahn mega-save. That's the same Kahn who is known in Germany as The White Gorilla, principally because he resembles one, and plays most of his club games to the strains of monkey noises from opposing fans. Is it any wonder we're on Oli's side?

Half-time. "Germany are relentless - they're pushing and pushing and pushing them back," sighed Billo Herlihy. "Like a Panzer tank," grinned Liamo.

Lads. Stop.

ITV. "I'm surprised how good the Koreans have been in the air," said Des. "Yes," said Bobby, "the game has been nip and tuck all the time." Tel Venables chuckled loudly. Bobby ignored him and continued. "They've never allowed any German player to have a free head," he said. "Right," said Des.

Second half. Clive Tyldesley was worried about the threat of Carsten Ramelow at set-pieces. "How should the Koreans deal with it," he asked Ron. "Well, the player who would normally deal with him would be you. Yoo. Not you, Yoo. The number six. Yoo."

Thanks for that Ron.

Seventy-first minute. Michael Ballack booked. Out of the final if Germany reach it. His bottom lip began to quiver. The tears began to roll down his cheeks. Ballack was falling to pieces. Didi Hamann looked over to the bench, tapped his temple and pulled a silly face, letting them know Ballack had lost it.

Na, none of this happened. Ballack went up the other end four minutes later and scored the goal that put Germany into the final, like you do. Germans, eh?

Full-time. Billo was gutted. "The Germans are good at bursting dreams Bill," said Liamo. "As you said, the Panzer division moved into action," said Billo.

Meanwhile, in Beckingham Palace a man was heard to howl at his telly: "That doesn't make no sense! We hammered that bloody lot 5-1 in their own bloody back yard a wet bloody week ago."

To which Posh replied: "Doivid, maybe that hair-do wasn't such a good idea."

So, June 30th? Doivid goes to the hairdressers. Germany go the World Cup final. Nuff said.