Mary Hannigan's Planet Football

United in scouser-baiting: After the criticism he received for the views expressed in an editorial in the Spectator in which he suggested that Liverpudlians were wallowing in "disproportionate" grief for murdered hostage Ken Bigley, Conservative MP Boris Johnson must have concluded that he had no friends left in this world.

Not so, as evidenced by this t-shirt, available for purchase on your nearest Manchester United website.

Quotes of the week

"There are a lot of tired legs wearing Tottenham shirts."

- Sky Sports' Andy Gray, suggesting that Spurs get dressed in the dark.

"That's what children do - throw food. That's not fighting. We were real men. We'd have chinned them."

- George Best, unimpressed by reports of pea-soup and pizza chucking in the Old Trafford tunnel.

"Lee Hendrie is Lee Hendrie and always will be."

- David O'Leary, proving he understands his fiery little midfielder better than most.

"Don't ask me, you'll have to speak to that 'Mereenio', or whatever his name is."

- Alicks Furgissin, or whatever his name is, when asked for his view on Chelsea's sacking of Adrian Mutu.

"And, in case you're wondering, Jagielka is related to his younger brother at Sheffield United, Phil."

- Sky Sports' Kevin "no-flies-on-me" Keatings, as heard by Private Eye.

Fantastically hacked off again

Mick McCarthy, you might recall, didn't entirely see eye to eye with all the Irish press pack during his time as manager here and, according to the Guardian, he's having similar difficulties with the local press at Sunderland. "One hack who covers Sunderland has received a cool shoulder from McCarthy for some time but at a press conference this week got nothing but grunts. A press officer intervened and asked McCarthy why the attitude, whereupon the manager explained his long and unpleasant struggles with . . . a completely different journalist whom he had confused with our hero because they shared the same haircut."

Waxed dummy The Scottish Daily Record's Tam Cowan is not, it would seem, overly impressed with Juninho's form since he joined Celtic earlier this season. Tam, though, has a way with words so rather than describing Juninho as "disappointing" he opted for this: "He is surely the worst Brazilian since Stevie Wonder gave his wife a bikini wax".

Socratic method not madness It's not often Bolton's Sam Allardyce is beaten to the signature of elderly foreign former footballing legends but he missed out last week when Northern Counties East League club Garforth Town announced that 50-year-old Socrates would be joining them on a one-month contract.

Socrates, you'll have read, will make his debut against Tadcaster Albion next month, lining up alongside a gardener, an electrician, a teacher and Lee Sharpe, the former England international.

"Socrates is a pretty principled guy and isn't interested in money - which is just as well because we're not paying him," said Garforth supremo Simon Clifford.

One money-making scheme that Clifford should, perhaps, consider, is using Socrates' full name on the back of the replica shirts they'll be selling. Even if they only sell a handful at a pound a letter "Socrates Brasileiro Sampaio de Souza Vieira de Oliveira" could put Garforth in to Chelsea's financial league by Christmas.

Quotes of the week II

"Once he had blown the whistle the referee taunted my lads, saying 'four-nil, four-nil'."

- Bradford manager Colin Todd, after the 4-0 defeat to Luton, on referee Joe Ross's impartial response to the result.

"The guy has obviously got a mental problem with Ruud van Nistelrooy for some reason, hasn't he?"

- Alex Ferguson, making an effort to restore relations with Arsene Wenger.

"I don't know how it is in Argentina, but in Brazil we like women. Fabricio Coloccini was all the time in that match stuck to my testicles."

- Brazil's Adriano, making an effort to restore relations with Argentina.

"His hips aren't as far apart as they were."

- Niall Quinn's assessment of Robbie Fowler, on Sky Sports, as heard by Football 365. Anyone? Help?

The online price of Riley

You see the oddest of items on sale on Ebay, the internet auction website. This one, for example, was spotted last Monday morning: "You are bidding on a Mike Riley referee. He is available at this low, low price after extensive use by his previous owner (one Mr A Ferguson, Old Trafford, Manchester) who has unfortunately left him in a rather worn condition.

"This may lead to Mr Riley missing professional fouls and potential leg breaking tackles. But never fear! Simply put on your Manchester United shirt and he will blow his whistle whenever you fall over, no matter how comical the dive may be!

"I have received the following glowing report on the Mike Riley referee. Wayne from Liverpool said: 'It didn't take me long to work out how to use Mr Riley, when you're wearing a Manchester United shirt it's as easy as ABC. For best results I've found that if you make your dive as dramatic as possible, Mr Riley's "penalty to United" function never fails, I'd never consider going back to my old brand of referee . . . not now I've used Mr Riley'."

We thought about putting in a bid ourselves but, unfortunately, Ebay removed Mr Riley from the auction, indicating that he was not for sale. Arsenal fans might beg to differ.

Sam slams super(size) Mario

When asked by the Sunday People who had been his worst ever signing, Bolton's Sam Allardyce was blunt enough to reply: "Christ, where do I start?".

He opted in the end, though, for Mario Jardel who, he said: "scored goals for fun in Portugal but looked like he ate and drank for fun, too. We tried everything we could with the big bugger but we had to hold our hands up and say, 'off you go, son'."

Sam's one consolation? "The great thing about foreigners is there always seems to be some other muppet to take them off your hands."

Who was that muppet? Hold your hand up Giovanni Galeone, the Ancona manager who took Jardel on loan from Bolton.

"I am giving Mario 20 days to lose weight and get his condition back because he is a disgrace now," he said at the time. "Sensini didn't have any problems stopping him on Sunday, he could have even lit a cigarette".

Three months after he arrived in Italy, during which he played just 90 minutes, Jardel was packed off back to Brazil.