It's a jungle out there

For 20 years the members of Dun Laoghaire GC had a true, golfing frontiersman in their midst, as secretary/manager. It is only since his recent retirement, however, that Terry Stewart has considered it appropriate to share his remarkable experiences with the rest of us. And for that, we can be grateful to Vijay Singh.

In the course of a fascinating letter, Stewart wrote: "I was particularly interested to learn, for the first time, that the newly-crowned Masters champion had spent some time as club pro at Keningau GC in Sabah, East Malaysia, in the 1980s."

He went on to explain that he himself worked in Sabah for 13 years in the 1950s and 1960s. And he visited Keningau, long before there was even the thought of a golf course in the area. It was quite an expedition, given that even now, Keningau is reached by the so-called Autoroute Three, which is no more than a pockmarked track.

From Kota Kinabalu on Borneo's north-east coast, it crosses the Croker Range of mountains which frame the island's endangered rainforests, to Sabah. My correspondent recalls several golf courses, completed or being developed in Sabah, Kota Kinabalu, Sandakan and Tawau.

Stewart went on: "I had a small part in the development of the courses in Sandakan and Tawau. We had to clear some jungle to expand Tawau from nine to 12 holes and in the process we came across a former Japanese pill-box, close to the airstrip. Inside the pill-box were a rusted machine gun and three skeletons, presumably the remains of a war-time occupation force.

"I served as a committee member in both of these clubs and we were fortunate in having remarkably cheap labour at our disposal for the development work. At both clubs, the local police superintendent was a member and his responsibilities included the inmates of the local jails.

"Most of these prisoners were sentenced to various periods of detention with hard labour. With only a limited amount of other work to be done in the area, a phone call each morning to the superintendent was sufficient to guarantee willing hands for work on the golf course.

"They would arrive, guarded by a prison officer bearing a shotgun. And I say willing hands because in the three or four years I lived in those two places, I never heard of anyone trying to escape. Developing a golf course was clearly preferable to any of the other work."

Stewart was area manager at the time for Allis-Chalmers, a firm specialising in earth-moving equipment. And, as it happened, his counterpart for the Caterpillar company was also a keen golfer. As he put it: "The upshot was that when heavy work was required on the golf course, we were able to ensure that machines were fully tested before they disappeared on a two or three-day barge-ride up-river to a logging camp."

Meanwhile, a number of 10 to 12-year-olds caddied for Stewart and his colleagues. "They were very keen to play, so we arranged the odd competition for them," he wrote. "Too small for adult clubs, they would carve their own clubs from tree branches. And by way of proving that it's not what you've got but what you do that matters, the winner of the first competition we held for them shot a four-over-par gross for nine holes."

He concluded: "My wife comes from Sabah, so we plan to return there early next year. And we hope to visit Keningau, where she has some cousins."

"You get the most out of people by not expecting too much."

- Financier J P McManus, who will have Tiger Woods, David Duval, Ernie Els et al, in his pro-am at Limerick GC in July.

Should the GUI consider media training for their teenage competitors? The thought is prompted by the recent experience of the SGU at their Boys' Championship, which received front and back-page newspaper coverage, but for the wrong reason.

It concerned the biographical forms distributed by the SGU to the participants, which were to be filled in for the benefit of the union and the media. As it happened, one of the competitors listed his favourite extracurricular activities as getting drunk and sleeping around (in much less delicate terms).

Unfortunately, the SGU neglected to read the returned forms, but a certain reporter was a lot more attentive. So, on the opening day of the championship, the player's views became a big story in the sports pages of the Edinburgh Evening News. And on the following morning, the Scottish Daily Record saw fit to carry it on their front page.

As it happened, the 18-year-old lost his first-round match later that day. But thinking the story worth another crack, the Daily Record sent a reporter to a sports college which the player is attending in Surrey and confronted his girlfriend about the issue. The result was that she fled in tears.

Then, as a follow-up story, they reported she had dumped him. And they added a reaction from the Women's Committee of the Edinburgh City Council, who were suitably outraged. All because of a silly, schoolboy prank that went wrong.

By way of punishment, the SGU imposed a six-month ban from their coaching scheme, while placing the player on probation for the rest of the year. Kilspindie GC, the venue for the championship, also threatened action, but it seems they have decided to let the matter lie. One assumes the SGU will be careful to read their own forms in future.

Proud of all the new-fangled equipment, groomers et al, in your club's machine shed? Well if scientists have their way, it could all become obsolete, as a result of research to identify the gene which causes plants to grow.

It seems that a way has been found to manipulate the gene so as to create dwarf versions of standard plant species, including the standard varieties of grasses found on your favourite fairways. So in future, we could see strains of grass which have to be cut only a few times a year. Mower or less.

Jack Nicklaus is often criticised for lacking a sense of humour. And for all his coolness in the heat of battle, the Bear has been known to become riled if the wrong buttons are pressed. Which an innocent fan discovered during a recent Seniors' event in the US.

While Nicklaus was standing in the players' line for a buffet meal, he heard a knock on a window closeby. Tap-tap-tap. Looking around, he saw nothing and rejoined the line. Tap-tap-tap again. That was when Nicklaus saw the fan, who motioned him to the door.

Expecting a request for an autograph, Nicklaus reached the door only to have the fan ask? "Is Arnie there?" Clearly flustered, the Bear shook his head and said to a colleague: "Did you hear that?" Palmer, by the way, was nowhere to be found. But he later chuckled on hearing the story.

In an effort at promoting an awareness of golfing etiquette, a public relations company in the US got the idea of having a poetry contest. They obviously took the view that reminders would be sweeter when presented in metre, and the response was so enthusiastic that it took the judges a week to decide on the winner.

They eventually chose an entry from one of the many female contestants, who wrote: "If playing slowly is your fate . . . Don't make those behind you stand and wait . . . Invite them through; let them go . . . Then courtesy and etiquette is what you'll show." Male slowcoaches take note.

This Day In Golf History . . . . On May 6th, 1936, the Curtis Cup matches were drawn for the first time. It happened at Gleneagles where Scotland's Jessie Valentine (nee Anderson) sank a 21-foot putt on the final hole to beat America's Leona Cheney one-up in the last match.

Teaser: In a match, A holed out in three at the fifth hole. His opponent, B, holed out in four. After driving from the next tee, it was discovered that A had played a wrong ball at the fifth hole. B claimed the fifth hole. What is the ruling?

Answer: Since A failed to inform B promptly that he had incurred a penalty for playing a wrong ball, he is deemed to have given wrong information, even though he was not aware that he had incurred a penalty (Rule 9-2). Thus, B's belated claim was valid (Rule 2-5) and the committee should have ruled that B won the fifth hole.