Experts get everything right but the result

Mary Hanniganon the TV pundits' views on Manchester United v Barcelona.

NOT THE best of starts to the evening, to be honest. "Chelsea v Liverpool is brought to you by Mastercard," said the RTÉ voice as we settled down after loosening up, so for an awful minute we thought we'd slept through The Big One 24 hours before.

After that it just got worse. Calamitous team news: no Rooney, no Vidic.

As the old Accrington Stanley manager Bosco Wilde once put it, "to lose one demigod may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like you might have been careless playing them at the weekend when they were both carrying knocks."

Park Ji Sung was in, having impressed Alex Ferguson with his typically energetic performance against Chelsea's ground staff on Saturday, as ever his spirit and aggression making up for any obvious sign of ability.

Nani was in too, the theory, perhaps, being he was so brutal against Chelsea (their footballers, not the groundstaff) he could only improve.

Bill's Boys, to a man, were aghast.

Gilesie, Liamo, Sounie, Eamo: "Park?!" "Nani?!"

But Eamon was aghaster than anyone.

"Park? Not good enough. Nani? Not good enough. Carrick? Not good enough," he said,."It's very, very bad news for United; it's a massive, massive blow to their hopes."

He was, then, really, really, really unconvinced by Ferguson's selection. "There are massive questions about Alex Ferguson and his team selections," he said.

Graeme, back home in Montrose after playing away with Sky Sports last week, disagreed. "In Fergie we should trust" was the gist, and he even suggested the media were out to get Ferguson. So that got the panel's ball rolling.

"It's like Tiger Woods or the great jockeys or trainers - you judge them by the standards they have set themselves," Dunphy explained to Graeme.

"Well," said Graeme.

"U2 are a great band," Dunphy further explained to Graeme. "Does that mean next time they release a CD no one will review it?"

"Well," said Graeme.

Brady: "Graeme, would you pick Park in your team?"

Graeme: "No."

Dunphy: "Would you pick Nani?"

Graeme: "No."

Dunphy: "There you are!"

It's at times like this Graeme, surely, must pine for Richard and Jamie and Andy and the gang.

Mind you, we think it's all beginning to rub off. The boy definitely has some potential, eg:

Referring to himself, Brady and Gilesie, he said: "As midfield players the first place we'll look is midfield . . . where did you play?" he asked, turning to Dunphy.

"Excuse me, baby," said the former Millwall midfield supremo. But 1-0 to the moustached lad.

Match time. Truly, Manchester United v Barcelona, a pairing as timeless as Carles Puyol's hairdo.

Scholes? He scores goals, my lord, as they put it on the terraces. United cruising to victory, in no sense at all.

Half-time. You could sense Bill was up for a bit of divilment.

"I can't help thinking ye were prophets of doom," he said, swinging in his chair, before diving for cover.

"Rubbish! RUBBISH," Eamon reasoned. "Everything we said has happened! Everything we said has been right! That's rubbish!"

"Yeah, it is rubbish, Bill," agreed Brady.

"It has all the hallmarks of a 1-1 draw, Bill, because they won't get away with what they got away with in the first half," explained Dunphy.

"Bloodied but unbowed," said Bill, but we didn't know if he was talking about himself or United.

Second half. That Tevez lad? Immense. As David Pleat put it over on ITV, "Here he goes, doing doggies again." Indeed.

Full time.

"Park was good tonight," said Gilesie, prompting Bill to fall off his pirouetting chair. "Well," said Gilesie, "he was."

"I don't agree with John AT ALL. Park contributed NOTHING to the game," said Dunphy.

Graeme tried to calm Eamon too. "I want to express an opinion if you don't mind," he got in reply.

"Barcelona is a club in RAG ORDER," he said.

Brady intimated he was talking out of his derriere.

"You told me United would annihilate them . . . 180 minutes, one goal separated them!"

"If Arsenal had got out of Anfield they would have beaten . . ." Dunphy countered.

You just knew Bill wanted to say "But, Eamon, if the queen had wotsits she'd be the king," but he resisted.