Cracking the game of golf doesn't always add up

TV View: At this rate the plum puddings won't be done 'til mid-February, there's just no end to the blizzard of telly sport. A rich diversity of sports too. Over the weekend, for example, we had rugby, football, football and rugby, followed by some football, rugby, rugby and football. And variety, of course, is the sporty spice of life.

There was, admittedly, a bit of golf too, the highlight Nappertandy Productions' Smurfit European Open: Behind the Scenes on TV3, in which we learnt that Peter Lawrie's grasp of percentages is very nearly as good as our own.

Interviewer: "What percentage (of a golfer's success) is mental v talent v hard work?" Lawrie: "I'd say about 90 per cent mental, 100 per cent talent and 200 per cent hard work." That means that Lawrie gives 390 per cent every time he sets foot on a golf course, which, according to this calculator, is 280 per cent more than your average footballer gives to the cause. Fair play.

Golf aside, it was rugby, football, football and rugby.

The football began with Setanta's coverage of Manchester United v Southampton. Which reminds us: we read yesterday that on Christmas Eve ITV will air a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? special. Who will partner telly presenter Eamonn Holmes? You'll scarcely believe it: Alex Ferguson.

The mind is boggling here. A bit fretful too. Alex gets stuck on a tricky question, e.g. "How long does a game of football last? Is it (a) 90 minutes, (b) 98 minutes if you're a goal behind, (c) 84 minutes if you're a goal up or (d) depends how easily intimidated the fourth official is.

Alex agonises. Chris Tarrant asks him if he'd like to phone a football friend. Alex's bottom lip quivers. "Ad love tae Chris," he'll say, "but ah dinnae have any".

Hopefully that won't happen, not least because Ferguson will be attempting to raise money for a worthwhile cause, perhaps the attempt to finance the purchase of lessons to teach Cristiano Ronaldo how to lift his head and note that a team-mate is standing unmarked in front of an open goal so it might be an idea to square the ball to him rather than attempting to score from an angle so narrow it barely exists.

"He would drive me MAAAAAAAD," said Setanta guest Richard Sadlier, with considerable feeling, when asked how he'd fancy playing alongside Portugal's Michael Flatley.

At least we got goals, though, which is more than we did in the FA Cup clash of non-League Hinckley United and Brentford on the BBC yesterday.

As you probably know it's obligatory (paragraph 22, sub-section 15, clause 10) for a non-League team in the FA Cup to have an electrician, plasterer, plumber and a window cleaner in their line-up, and Hinckley duly obliged. They also, though, boasted an international: Wayne Dyer, captain of Montserrat. "That's fantastic," said Lee Dixon. "Why," said Mark Lawrenson's face. Dixon had no answer. "I thought the ball would get stretchered off after about 20 minutes," said Lawrenson at half-time, in a tribute to the quality of the football played on a pitch so churned Brentford prepared for the game by training on a park pitch covered in dog mess.

Munster, to be blunt, made a bit of a dog mess of their trip to France, losing 19-12 to Castres on Friday. But the highlight of the evening came off the field with Sky Sports presenter Simon Lazenby informing his panel, which included Gordon D'arcy, that Castres was owned by the 17th richest man in France who made his money from varicose veins. In time D'arcy, evidently astounded, will recover from this revelation.

Then we had the clash of Leinster and Bourgoin at Lansdowne Road. The RTÉ lads, McGurkie (Tommie), Hookie (Georgie) and Popie (Brentie), were quite harsh about the challenge put up by Bourgoin, not one of them acknowledging the fact that if Leinster hadn't scored 13 tries it would have been quite a close affair.

Brian O'Driscoll barely perspired all evening, which was just as well because he had a date with Ryan Tubridy that very night. The interview presented O'Driscie with a gilt-edged opportunity to apologise to the nation for his habit of slugging out of his sponsor's high-energy drinks bottle every time he's on air. He was, alas, unrepentant. He will continue to plug his sponsor at every opportunity.

Not Gatorade, the other one. That's Gatorade, the thirst quencher which replaces those lost fluids and minerals faster and hydrates better than water, juice and soda. Slurp. Yum. Delicious! Lost fluids and minerals regained already. Ready for anything, even plum pudding baking.