Mary Hannigan's/Letter from Perth: Day seven: Contact emergency services to report strange object in sky. "What does it look like, Ma'am?" they ask. Kind of round, white and fluffy. "Aw, that'll be a cloud - no worries, we get them the odd time 'round here."
Phew. You can't be too careful, these days, though. Meanwhile, weather continues to be changeable - very hot, bloody hot, friggin' hot and insufferably hot.
Day eight: Browse through local newspaper, the West Australian. Sisters Natasha and Alesha Martinelli are speedway wizards, driving souped-up cars at very fast speeds around Kwinana Motorplex. So what? Well, Natasha is 14 and has been driving at high speeds for three years, her brother Joshua is equally talented but must wait three years before he qualifies for the 10 to 17 age bracket. Either they start 'em young in Australia, or the kids learn to joy-ride before they can crawl. Impressed.
Day nine: Hockey hack goes in search of swimming pool to loosen limbs. Leaves hotel and walks for, ooh, two minutes, before stumbling upon public complex that includes 50-metre outdoor pool, 25-metre indoor pool, complete with mega facilities for kids (water slides, etc). A couple of dollars in and you can swim to your heart's content. Consequently, we've lost all respect for Ian Thorpe - with facilities like this is it any wonder he resembles a watery god?
Day 10: English cricket Barmy Army moves into our hotel, ahead of third Ashes' Test in Perth. Can't get to gym for Union Jacks draped around corridors. Gutted. Have to go to restaurant instead. UTV cameraman, here on active hockey service, returns to hotel laden down with equipment.
"Alwight mate, you filming the cricket," asks a member of the Barmy Army. "Na," says the cameraman, "I only deal with competitive sports." UTV cameraman doesn't have to buy drink that night.
Day 11: Young writers' competition in local newspaper. Brad Ellis (12) wins. Poem entitled Footy. "Siren goes, whistle blows, ball bounces, ruckman pounces, wingmen sprint, injured limp, forwards mark, backline dark, goal is kicked, opposition hiss, players tired, coach is fired, siren goes, no more blows." Love it.
Day 12: The WACA. Day three of the Ashes Test. "It's gonna rain in a minute, rain in a minute," sing the Barmy Army, while staring up at deep blue, cloudless sky, after losing three wickets in the first hour. Amuse themselves with four inflated kangaroos wearing England shirts ("Skippy is a Pommy, Skippy in a Pommy") encouraging them to do unspeakable things to each other. Security pounce, insist on kangaroos being deflated, Barmy Army oblige, but re-inflate them as soon as security departs scene.
"You're just part of our Empire, part of our Empire" . . . "God save YOUR Queen" . . . "you're just a Third World country" . . . "We get three dollars to the pound", sings the Barmy Army, to which their hosts reply, "Take a look at the scoreboard, take a look at the scoreboard", while waving "3-0" banners in their visitors' faces.
On the field Australian fast bowlers Glenn McGrath, Brett Lee and Jason Gillespie pepper the England, em, batting line-up with deliveries so fast that the ball is not visible in its flight from the stands. By now the Barmy Army has taken to hinting that Australian batsmen Matthew Hayden and Justin Langer are an "item".
Hayden sidles up to Langer in the field and pats his bottom, Langer responds by putting his arm around Hayden's shoulder.
"Is he really going out with him," sing the Barmy Army, at which point Hayden and Langer, and the rest of the crowd, dissolve in to tears. Langer turns and applauds - 1-0 to the Barmy Army, perhaps the only success England will have on this tour.
Nasser Hussein and Alec Stewart show a bit of fight. "We're gonna bat until tea-time, bat until tea-time," their supporters triumphantly declare. They did, too, but not for long after. By 5.30 p.m. the Ashes are won. "5-3, we're gonna win 5-3," sing the Barmy Army, of the five-Test series.
Aussies celebrate, but with shrug of shoulders. All too easy. Barmy Army flock to city centre to watch Manchester United beat Liverpool. Day just gets better.
