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Ads in the back pages of the New Musical Express used to feature a shaven-headed youth in a Crombie staring down at his footwear. "Good boots these!" was his persuasive endorsement of Dr Marten attire. The "legendary" bouncing souls around which they are built are the only thing that keeps many an impulsive man's feet on the ground while making him feel he hovers sturdily above all terrain. An esteemed acquaintance who has sported such functional footwear for the last 30 years-plus has conveyed to me his deep fear that one day they might cease to exist. Brexit, geopolitics and world collapse are trifles compared to the idea of breaking in an alien pair of boots. This is what stops him in his stride.
This learned individual has started to look around and recently read of the latest thing: smartshoes. Not a smart pair of shoes but a pair of smartshoes – smart the way your phone is.
For the less progressive reader, the last word in intelligent footwear may have been the slip-on shoe. No laces, no knots: the easy life. Slip ’em on and off you trot. Others find shoes with illuminations that flash like Vegas gambling parlours pretty smart too – but are forced to admit they are increasingly unseemly the further one marches towards middle age.
But smartshoes: what makes them merit the description? Among their slick features, they record muscle fatigue and the mileage you walk. You calibrate them to your needs with a few gentle leaps into the air.
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But the real kick in the head is this: fuelled by a battery which outlives the footwear, the worn-out shoes themselves inform you when it is time to buy a new pair.
But what if you don’t want to? Just say no. The tech specs for these smartshoes are not to hand at time of writing, but we must presume they are smart enough to remind you again: “Ahem . . . It’s still time for a new pair of shoes, sir.” Cunning hack-proof lines of code may accelerate the insistence as, a third time, they cut to the point: “You are not listening to me, sir. Time to get a new pair of smartshoes. Hop to it!”
Podiatry has seldom got so close to The Mummy's Hand: incur the wrath of these smartshoes at your peril. In acts of thwarted intelligence, the ignored smartshoe may plot to insult you ("Fallen arches, sir? Hah!") or simply trip you up. But we are all rational people. The chances of both smartshoes turning against you at the same time – whether through malware or sartorial self-contempt – must be rather remote. If the left one turns on you, surely you can count on its neighbour to bring it to heel?
The basic technique of walking has been splendidly described as follows: just move one foot in front of the other, ideally pointing both in the same direction. This is internationally accepted as a successful method of perambulation. But, in a worst-case scenario, a dispute between two smartshoes just might arise. Where the battery’s wise advice to purchase a new pair is consistently ignored, the scorned smartshoes might seek to derail you in separate wilful acts. They might decide to point in different directions. And where would you be then?
Our public thoroughfares are frequently fouled by dogs left unchecked by their owners – a disgrace in itself. But it would be the mean-minded pair of smartshoes that would punish you by leading you down such a slippery path. So tread carefully.
You will eventually accept defeat. The smartshoes presumably bring you to the nearest retail outlet. Anecdotally, it is deemed best to go along with them. As they frogmarch you for refitting, the true measure of the shoes may be revealed as they send out leery messages to other smartshoes en route. “Tasty pairs of high heels, luv.” Some go for cruel belligerence: “Platforms? What do you think this is? Heuston Station in the era of glam rock?”
Just go along with your shoes until arrival at the shop. The minute the smartshoes are off, we advise you to purchase a pair of study analogue boots and leg it.
But beware while crouching down in subsequent days: any familiar footsteps you hear behind you may not be the product of your fevered imagination. You don’t want your former footwear to kick you and leave you with a painful digital footprint.