An Irishman’s Diary – A Reading from the Book of Brexodus

The children of Disraeli's path out of EUgypt has been beset by a fearsome tribe known as the Corbynites


A reading from the Book of Brexodus. Now the children of Disraeli dwelt in the land of EUgypt, and they were the chosen people. But the King of EUgypt feared them and said to his followers: behold how the Disraeli-ites multiply and are fruitful.

Let us deal harshly with them, lest they wax mighty and rise against us.  

So the EUguptians made slaves of the Disraeli-ites, causing them to construct bricks without straw and to make non-bending bananas, and yea, even to eat swine in their sausages, or else label them as containing non-specific meat-free content. And the Disraeli-ites were sore afflicted.

Then there rose among them a great leader, who was called in Hebrew “Moses”, or in the tongue of the people, “Mrs May”. And she said unto the Disraeli-ites: follow me, for I shall lead ye out of EUgypt and bring ye to the promised land where floweth milk and honey, without quota.

And they were again the chosen people. But they were not chosen by quite enough, for the promised land had not been fully costed in the manifesto. So their path out of EUgypt was now beset by a fearsome tribe known as the Corbynites.  

And seeing this Red Sea rise before them, they were sore afraid.

“Wherefore hast thou led us into this wilderness?” the Disraeli-ites cried unto their leader. “Were it not better to stay in the land of EUgypt, living as slaves, than to die here on these desert shores?” 

Then Mrs May replied: “Yea, verily, I have led ye into this mess of pottage. But I shall lead ye out again”.

And so saying, she went farther into the wilderness, to a savage land known as Ulster, which had long been despoiled by the warring tribes of Sodom and Begorrah.  

And lo, she saw there a burning bush, from which a voice called out. And though the bush burned, yet it was not consumed in the fire.

Therefore Mrs May asked: “Who art thou that speakest from a burning bush? And wherefore is the bush not consumed”.

Then the voice said that her name was “Arlene” and that, actually, it wasn’t a bush, more a big pile of wood pellets: “We had this wee thing called the Renewable Heat Incentive, that hath just got out of hand”.

So, quoting scripture (Ex 3:14), Mrs May said unto her, cryptically: “I AM THAT I AM”.

Then in like spirit, Arlene replied: “We are where we are”.  

After that, Mrs May ventured: “Enough is enough”.  

And finally, seeing they had so much in common, they agreed a covenant.

The covenant bound both parties to uphold the righteous and smite sinners, although when Arlene explained that the last word was spelt “shinners” in her language, the small print was amended accordingly.

And so it came to pass that the Shinners, who were also called the “Sons of Adam”, were afflicted with many plagues: first of frogs, then locusts, and after that of painful boils on the posterior that prevented them taking their seats not only in Westminster, but anywhere else.  

Then their beards (if they had beards) became lice-infested, and their make-up (if they were blonde and always impeccably presented) turned to ash.

But the last plague was of crocodiles, which Arlene said was “my little joke”. And among the Sons of Adam, verily, there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Then the Disraeli-ites and their new allies faced the Red Sea together.

And lo, the sea parted. And they walked across it into the promised land.

Great was the rejoicing there, at first. But despite the prophesies of Daniel (of the Hannanites) and Nigel (of the Ukippites), the milk and honey flowed not quite as expected. Nor came there any sign of the £350 million a week worth of manna from heaven that had also been mentioned.  

Therefore the Disraeli-ites soon grew hungry and thirsty, and waxed resentful.

Then Mrs May went into the wilderness again and when she returned this time, she was carrying two tablets, bearing commandments.  

So the prophet Nigel protested: “Where goest thou with those commandments? Amounteth that not to the same red tape and bureaucracy for which we fled EUgypt?”

So Mrs May was sent back to the wilderness, this time permanently.  

Then, smashing the commandments, the children of Disraeli chose a new leader.  

And the new leader, worshipped by the multitudes, was called Boris. But because of his blond mane and youthful looks, he was soon to be nicknamed the “Golden Calf”.