An Irishman's Diary

Ireland's yogic flyers have picked an auspicious week to advertise their latest initiative. As you may have heard by now, the transcendental meditators believe they can solve most of the country's problems by getting a critical mass - the square root of 1 per cent - of the Irish population to levitate. Failing that, they need a somewhat larger number of us to engage in TM's pre-levitation stage which, to the uninitiated, looks like hopping on a mattress while in the lotus position.

Similar initiatives have failed here before. Back in the 1990s, I used to cover election events involving the Natural Law Party at which candidates would demonstrate their "flying" technique while explaining how it would help lower crime rates and increase prosperity. And although this was as plausible as most of the party manifestos, one sensed then that the NLP was ahead of its time. Now, however, as a new wave of flyers aims to "crown Ireland with invincibility", signs are that the country is at last ready for them.

Even as you read this, the Galway racing festival is giving the yogis a head start. By my reckoning, the square root of 1 per cent of the population - near enough - will achieve short periods of levitation in Galway this week, usually between their hotels and Ballybrit. Such is the extent of levitation over the city that the Irish Aviation Authority has had to introduce helicopter "lanes" to deal with the traffic, and users have been warned against cowboy operators taking advantage of demand. If your helicopter pilot claims to be from a company called "Yogic Flyers Ltd", for example, you might want to check his licence.

But it's not just in Galway that the transcendental meditators should find support in their efforts to eliminate "negativity" and create "cohesion in the collective consciousness". A survey of the Irish property market suggests the country's estate agents have been secretly hopping on their mattresses for a decade now, and such is their effect on the collective consciousness that none of us can talk about anything except house prices. The auctioneers themselves may not have achieved levitation, but the prices sure as hell have. For first-time buyers trying to get on the "ladder", yogic flying will soon be the only hope.

Financial services is another area where the TM activists may find a sympathetic audience. It's no surprise that yogic flyers claim responsibility for a recent US stock market rally. Stock exchange dealers are always on the verge of levitation, if only from the effects of caffeine. But anyone who reads the daily market reports can see that traders are extraordinarily vulnerable to mood shifts. One minute stocks are plunging amid "negative sentiment" over oil prices. Next they're soaring on rumours of an interest rate cut. Sometimes I think traders are too emotional for such stressful work. And yet the historic trend in stock markets is upwards, which is also the general aim of TM practitioners.

According to the ads, the yogis' specific intention is to establish something called the "Financial Capital of Ireland". This sounds very like the thing we already have in Dublin's docklands. But maybe that's no coincidence, either. When the controversial maharishi Charles J. Haughey first championed the IFSC in the 1980s, he might as well have been hopping in the lotus position for all anyone took him seriously. Now, thanks to his positive thinking, the IFSC is permanently airborne. Mr Haughey's success in making his own financial problems "disappear" is also well known.

The NLP abandoned its political initiative eventually, yet its influence on other parties lives on. The Progressive Democrats continue to demonstrate how a small group of eccentric but committed individuals can influence collective consciousness, despite registering only the square root of 1 per cent in opinion polls.

To one degree or other, all parties are now proponents of positive thinking. In an echo of the NLP's "task force to clean up mental pollution", Fianna Fáil famously held one of its think-ins at Inchydoney Spa, reconnecting with its spiritual core through meditation, seaweed baths, and late-night drinking. Nobody involved claims to have levitated during the two-day event, but the party got a big bounce at the polls soon afterwards. More recently, Bertie Ahern has rounded on pessimistic economists, accusing them of wrecking his vibe.

Nearly everywhere you look in Ireland, there is evidence of the new buoyancy. Even the arts sector, so long an enclave for negative thinkers, seems to be hopping. It can hardly be a coincidence, for example, that Dublin is currently besieged by giant hare sculptures. Not surprisingly, the children of the nation have also been affected by the trend. There's hardly a back garden in the country now that doesn't have a trampoline.

Apart from economists, the only note of caution in the picture is the growing numbers of parents who take the precaution of adding a side-net to their trampolines. This seems like the sort of negative thinking that the Taoiseach hates. But whether you're a trampoline user, a politician, a house-buyer, or a helicopter passenger, you always need to keep in mind the possibility of a hard landing. After all, even advanced yogic flyers tend to use a mattress.