A majestically soaring symbol of various metaphors

NEWTON'S OPTIC:DEVELOPERS, dignitaries and D-list celebrities are gathering in Belfast for the official opening of the Splurge Dobuy, Northern Ireland's tallest building.

Soaring majestically above the city’s cultural desert quarter, the Splurge (an Ulster-Scots word meaning “invest”) is a powerful symbol of various metaphors, allegories, ironies and so on. Its exact height will not be revealed until the ceremony begins but a figure of 1,690ft is strongly suspected.

Splurge Dobuy has a strikingly original design, comprising 10,000 apartments stacked on top of each other in a seemingly endless upward and certainly not downward spiral, each one progressively smaller and more expensive than the last. With boutiques, bars, restaurants and hotels on the lower and middle levels, lower middle-class residents need never go outside.

Other features of this revolution in urban living include valet parking at the world’s highest car park, luxury convenience shopping at the world’s only five-star Spar and a ground-floor observation deck so the builders can see you coming.

Constructing the Splurge tested engineering technology to the limit, as illustrated in our exciting infographic ( knock up a graphic for this, would you? Should fill the page nicely – Ed). A Red Hand of Ulster floor-plan spreads the load out to the tips of each finger, known in the trade as "long-fingering". The foundations are piled down beneath the palm, known in the building trade as "palming off". The main tower rests on the back of the hand, known in the building trade as a "back-hander".

Each level is attached to a solid core of shafting which twists and turns in the wind. Among its many superlatives, the Splurge is thought to have the longest and deepest shafting of any man-made structure.

Putting all this together beside the freezing swamps of Belfast Lough also tested human ingenuity to the limit ( which reminds me, can we turn the graphic sideways? Should fill two pages nicely – Ed). The Splurge contains enough glass to cover a tennis court the size of Wales, enough columns to fill a double-decker bus with Nelsons and enough girders to girdle the girth of the Earth. Due to Belfast's climate, everything was constantly but very slowly changing and had to be fitted to extremely tight intolerances.

While some doubts have been expressed over its architectural merit, the Splurge is still unquestionably an economic marvel. Almost all the apartments have been sold, although this is not quite the same as saying they have all been bought.

The project was developed by Al Macker Alan MacAlan, known to his loyal subjects quite simply as “the Suntan”. Under Northern Ireland’s unique financial system he does not have to declare the source of his income, but it is no secret that the whole region floats on a lake of black taxis. Another unique feature of Northern Ireland’s financial system is that anyone who misses a payment to Al Macker can have a limb removed, which should have greatly reassured any nervous investors.

The only sour notes likely to be heard at the opening ceremony could come from environmentalists and human rights groups, who might take the opportunity to have a good whinge because they know the world's media will be watching ( can we do the top 10 whinges in a separate panel? Nobody cares – Ed).